11 days in now! It is going well, readers have quadrupled since day 5 which is awesome, people are starting to want to get involved and I apparently have fans? Haven’t really decided to what I’m going to talk about so hopefully it will come to me in the next sentence or two. I honestly wouldn’t mind throwing in some more stuff about people who over exaggerate because it really gets to me, but I think I’m going to go with something on par with that (similar in fact). This topic will be covering, lie spreading gossipy bastards.
Oh, Did You Know He Likes Me?
Heard a lovely bit of bullshit last week, it was so good that I had to mock it. Last year a friend of mine had a girlfriend, I attempted to get to know her by speaking to her, which I think that’s how it works, right? She wasn’t for sale and there was no attributes like it’s a RPG game (she’d have 15 on spirit and 3000 on dick). So I thought (like the obvious maverick I am) talking to her would be a way of getting to know her as she was now my best friends girlfriend.
It gets to January and because I was in BTEC Nat Dip in performing arts, we had a show. This show would be a showcase created by the teacher; in the name of my class (another blog will cover that soon, something involving a barrage of insults by a teacher followed by a well written formal complaint). In this showcase I was doing a recurring role as Derek the famous French presenter. It was obvious throughout the show that Derek was a little strange. An example of this was when my character was introduced to co-host with the puppet presenters (it was a strange showcase). In this scene I could only speak French, then I would start to unbutton my shirt and rub my nipple (luckily for the audience, the music guy didn’t turn on the music which was the cue for me to stop, so I was stuck standing there for an extra minute or two rubbing my nipple and pointing at the prettiest girl I could find). I will go on more about that absolutely nuts showcase but I’ll save it for another blog. Long story short, the climax (hehe hehe he said climax) for Derek was for me to do an over elaborate and silly strip to my own remix of “I’m too sexy” “Leave your hat on” and the Austin Powers theme music. It went down really well (luckily) and I wasn’t attacked by a friend’s dad who she said was severely homophobic (he had a smile on his face during, closet case? Kidding).
Anyway, here’s the lie. This girl then tells her friends that I like her (in the nudge nudge wink wink way for the older readers). The explanation for her blatant lie was that I keep speaking to her? According to her, I said I liked her more then I liked my own girlfriend and that I never leave her alone (as if to say, god this one time stripper keeps bothering me). The friend who told me was like, “I thought you knew?” No! Course I didn’t! Did I ever say I like her more compared to my girlfriend? No, no I did not. Did I show any sign that I like her in any way other then my best friend’s girlfriend? No, no I did not! That I’d never leave her alone?! Sorry I didn’t mean for my “I like having conversations with people” attitude to be a huge let on that I fancy you (better warn my brother that I obviously fancy him and I want to break his back mountain before I strike up another conversation, Which in turn could end up as a conversation so I better send my owl instead. Thanks for ruining my home life!). Also as I remember, I spoke to her about once a week on facebook and I spoke to her when I saw her because I’m not an arse hole (am I going to go with the obvious line and say “like her?”. Yes, yes I am) like her.
Just for future reference here guys, if you have a sneaking suspicion that I like you in that way, I’d prefer you to just ask me, not say I do then make up even more bull to back up your sudden lie.
But if you think that story was pretty funky, then here’s a short but sweet one (like a midget made of lollypops).
Yes Cause That’s What I Do
I was seeing a girl during my Harlem Globetrotter days (no clue why I wrote that). While I was seeing her, we went to a house party. I drank about the same amount of alcohol that I’d probably drink over the night in the space of 40minutes. So I went into my mates dads bed and lied down (the dad wasn’t there, unfortunately), she came in and we attempted to “mac”. Either way, I could hardly move because I was kind of comatose by the amount of alcohol I drank. Luckily for me and my somewhat dark and disturbing habit of liking to breathe, she got off me. Why did she get off me? Fights outside, god I love house parties. Then for the next hour or so I spent lying in the bed while people spoke to me, was quite a nice experience in the end.
Few weeks pass, me and her end our little thingy and go on our merry way (there is a long story to this but I can’t be asked to talk about it right now). I then find out eventually she has been telling people, including two of my best mates, that the reason why we broke up is because I was incredibly forceful on the night I just described to you. “Forceful?” I hear you say! Yes, forceful, because I apparently tried to make her give me head (I apologise for anyone who finds that inappropriate, I did as well when I found out, so we’re on the same page). Now if any of you readers know me, then you’d know there is nothing forceful about me. I either casually mod dance a suggestion in or I just leave it all together. Neither am I a “rapey” drunk as I have been drunk before and have never attempted anything like that. Maybe it was the oxygen deprivation she caused but that would only add to me being even weaker then my original state so. It was a big fat lie, a big fat arse faced lie. Then when I reached second year of BTEC, she then decided to tell everyone in the first year as well. Which I didn’t really care about because the important people (my best mates) knew it was a lie, but I did get bored of having to say how much bullshit it was when I was asked about it (which would follow after them saying, “oh your that Sean?!”). So no, I didn’t try to force her to give me head because I’m not that like that, I try and strive to be a gentleman at all times and have never ever forced anyone to do anything of the sort (not even Santa after he gave me a Pokémon card holder two years ago, the not up to date prick). Along with that, she had braces on at the time ( so go and grate a sausage using the cheese grater so you can understand my shiver causing imagery for yourselves, sponsored by Art Attack: Falice Addition).
The Victims of my Blog
If the liars are actually reading this blog, thank you for reading it! If you two people are outraged by what I’ve said about you then let this be a lesson, stop trailing your bullshit like you’re a turd slug and start telling the truth. I’ve only said your lie and my blatant feelings for them. Was that bitchy? I feel as if it sounds bitchy, I was hoping it would sound generalised but blunt. This has been a long one (it’s to easy to do, sorry all), hope you all enjoyed it and it debunked a few lies about me.
Honestly, I could copy and paste exactly what I said about over exaggeration to this cause the same still applies. You want to seem a whole lot more interesting then you are right? Some people just aren’t interesting until they do something interesting, or they ignite a passion within them that those who are interested in the same as you will see that flame and be drawn to it like a moth. You don’t like a person so you spread a lie about them? Then you are a terrible person, even more terrible then the person you hate. Yeah there are some terrible people in this world, but it doesn’t mean sinking to there level so you can show how bad they are. Throw facts out there and make people realise for themselves. I admit, I white lie when necessary, but they are tiny and to avoid hurt feelings. If you tell a lie to hurt or maim someone then what comes around goes around and you will get your come uppings, whether you like it or not, can I get an amen!?