There is something about having insomnia that is so tiring! I fell asleep around 5 this morning and then was woken up by Emma from Conexxions or however they’ve got it spelt (Eema probably). I was expecting her to talk down to me and say my career path is leading to erectile dysfunction (metaphorically speaking, I’m not a cockfencer or anything), but instead she is going to text me about evening work, so I think I’ve just become a prostitute. If so, I do hope Emma is my pimp, as she came across as demanding but generally nice and probably would send a rescue team if I was with someone that was doing things he/she didn’t pay for (like talking, the disgusting pig!). I have thought about hiring an escort once or twice in my life when I’ve felt lonely, not because I really want to have sex with someone, but when I really fancy playing multiplayer on an Xbox game and my brother is out.
Hopefully I don’t sound like a Whiney emotional Ass Foot (being an introvert)
As an introvert I tend to not feel much loneliness until I haven’t seen anybody for a week or two, I quite like staying home and left to think about things (mainly badgers). Of course I love seeing my friends but I seem to have days out/nights out that something always happens to me (and not in the “I’m such a character I have an amazingly eventful life” sort of way, but in a “what the f*ck just happened, is that a duck being clamped?” sort of way), or I’m with someone who is having a drunken ramble about someone they’ve known for two weeks. It’s all just so tiring. When I get back home it feels like my mind is sitting on a leather couch in the darkened side of the room, stroking a slipper while bellowing “where the f*ck have you been? We’ve got conundrums to create and then solve for hours upon end”. After I go out and have a really eventful night, I tend to avoid doing anything for a couple of days till I feel completely recharged. Although I admit, every time I go out, I never have a dull time, I’ve always got a story to tell in the end and depending on what we are doing, I will have fun, be very friendly, make jokes and be a good guy (trying to emphasize I’m not a terrible person to hang out with!), because that’s me, I love having a laugh. But I also don’t like being in uncomfortable situations or overstaying my welcome (the latter absolutely kills me when I know we are doing it). But I am very grateful to have a really fantastic set of friends, I think if I were to have the power to design my preferred set of friends it would be these guys.
People have tried to help me get out of my introverted ways but it always goes tits up in one way or another. I really can’t help having a need to be on my own, but I am concerned that it will affect me in the future. I fear that if I find “the one” (at the moment it’s looking like the cat from next door, lucky lucky cat), she won’t ultimately understand my need to be alone sometimes, especially if we move in together. It’s never anything personal; I just need to be away from people for a little bit (that’s not a personal attack on my currently nonexistent future girlfriend!). Although if she was the one then she’d probably understand, I better show this to the cat so it knows what it’s getting into.
One way I deal with feeling the need and there isn’t a way of getting away from a person is I just go quiet and into thought, but that is a rarity with most people I’m not 100% comfortable with. So if there is extended quietness after a few days with you then it means I’m really comfortable round you (congratulations!). It really hasn’t impacted me a lot as I don’t tend to spend so much time out with someone that it happens. I do like a good thought when I’m doing something that requires a one man effort (standing on a train or taking photos with my camera), and I might have a glum face on, but if you tell me too smile I will then spend the next 10minutes beating you to death in my mind with various humorous weapons (it’s a pet peeve of mine as it is, let alone breaking my train of thought!). I am a smiley happy go lucky person most of the time so if I’m not smiling it’s probably because my face hurts!
It’s not a cool and trendy thing to be, no where near, in fact it’s very uncool. It makes writing about myself in a deep way absolutely killer and I pretty much feel like I’ve murdered someone when I write about what I feel my pros are (cvs feel like burying a bunny alive). So this blog has been really hard for me to do, I wrote it on the 10th and have been debating whether to put it up or not. Even when I’ve struggled for ideas I’ve thought it wouldn’t be a good idea. But, if I don’t put it up then I pretty much am rendering the whole process pointless.
There is a site that best explains what an introvert is. Thank god it says something about not being shy because that’s what the generalised opinion about it is. Just want to say, if this actually does warrant sympathy I really don’t want it, no offence to anyone, but I just really don’t like the attention placed upon a problem when I don’t see it as one that deserves so much attention. If anyone wants to talk about it properly then email me on this or find my facebook. And before anyone asks, I’m fine! Nothing is wrong and I just felt it was necessary to write this blog because it’s not something that people understand completely. I’m doing it more for awareness purposes then attention purposes. Same for when I do the Crohn’s Disease Blog. Also with the link below, I was thinking about not linking it because the url makes me look a bit egotistical! I didn’t mean it, it’s just the url! Also the part where it sums up the only conversations an introvert can have, is wrong in my part. If you ever hold a conversation with me it will probably vary from deep philosophical talks to how fast a lizard would go on a rainbow if it had magic powers (and everything in between that, I like conversations, what can I say).