Wednesday 31 August 2011

Day Thirty! Puberty, Monitored by Facebook (and a Harry Potter Mention!)


Introduction
God headache, why won’t you go away! I’ve had a horrible piercing headache all day! I’ve taken everything I can, I even tried to sniff up a nail because apparently it would help (it didn’t!). Along with that, my groin muscles are acting up (too much sex, with the wall). I’ve had that problem on and off for a few years now and it always happens un-dramatically. It’s not like I saved a goal from going in with a diving tackle on the 93rd minute, its more “I got up ever so slightly faster then my leg was expecting”. God I sound like an old man, I think that’s my problem, I have the view on life like a 60 year old man. That’s probably why I quite like long relationships and werther's original (or as they say in Phoneshop, nonse nuggets). My idea of bliss is being tucked away in a tropical island with a wife and access to seeing a few of my friends. No hussle and bussle, no troubles or worries. It sounds like a universal dream, but I’ve heard quite a lot of goals would be going out, taking loads of drugs and getting with women. That idea is fine, except that’s only one night, it doesn’t really take up any responsibilities for the day after, when you find out you’ve sold one of your own hands to a gypsy for shelter against the purple storm gathering in your left eye socket. F*cking gypsies.

The Times They are a Changing
It’s taken me 30 blogs but I’ve managed to get a Bob Dylan lyric in there! 5 points to Gryffindor! Actually thinking about it, would I be in that team? I feel like I’d be in Gryffindor but there is just something so awesome about Slytherin. I mean, they can’t all be that evil if they’ve actually made a team for it, right? This is coming from the guy who hasn’t watched the last two films or read any of the books! Let’s see how many readers I lose after declaring that.

Anyway! It’s going to be quite hard for me to stay on subject, what subject you say!? Exactly. Having Facebook (or any other social medium) has opened up loads of doors and has changed the way we perceive social definition. Along with that, it has been interesting to watch people redefine and grow as people over the time I have been friends with them on Facebook. Like when you see a photo of them when they joined Facebook and they looked like Jabba the Hut! Then you look at there current photo and they miraculously look like Jabba the Hut but with a new scarf, it’s still interesting to see. If I could post the before and after photos of people reconfiguring their looks and puberty taking them by the throat, I would. But I’m pretty sure you could see it for yourself! I have quite a few people who I grew up with, who now look completely different too how they looked previously.

Hell, quite a lot of them have replaced there own display pictures to photos of an ultra sound. Although, I do sometimes fear that they just have stolen the photo from someone else and advertised it as their own (what I’m trying to say is, all the ultra sound photos look the same! No offence or anything but I genuinely got worried that a baby had 3 mums and no dad, as they posted similar photos all in unison). Either that is their baby or they have gone for the ultra “retro photo” of themselves. Congratulations to all new mums by the way!

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, which is why ugly people usually wear eyepatches. Just made that up! It’s astonishing to see how people have transformed and fluctuated there sense of style, weight and beliefs. I have recently discovered changes in myself, not just from the height difference (I never said the noticeable changes wouldn’t be subtle *Sad face*). I recently watched something that broke my heart a little bit, I re-watched Jurassic Park Lost World, didn’t enjoy it that much.

Summary
For all the things I hate Facebook for, this is not one of them. I find it intriguing to see people become who they’ve always wanted to be, too live out there dreams as the person they have always wished to live there lives as. The years to which I will live out are more defining then any of the other years previous. The expectations, the dreams, the surprises, all will probably be revealed on Facebook and I will probably roll my eyes and sigh at most of the moany ones, even my own.

One thing I love is the fact that the word processor I was using on my Nan’s computer didn’t like the word blog. Yet on this word processor at my home, it’s totally fine with blog AND Gryffindor!

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Tuesday 30 August 2011

Day Twenty-Nine! My incredibly Powerful Poetry (one's about a fish!)

Introduction
Home sweet home. While racking my brains for what to do on this blog, it reminded me of how AQA used to destroy my brains by forcing me to come up with bulls*it theories on poetry and why they said this and that and how it goes with the time of the piece. Some of the poets deserved such time and effort to decipher there complex satirical/biblical pieces. But one about Robin going on his own instead of hanging about with batman? 3 god damn pages required for it?! And the others, ones where they were so horny even tissues ran away from them, those that could only be written by 38year old virgins and housewives and those that were so dull they required to be read in a monotone.

I used to write poetry, quite a lot actually, which is one of the reasons why I was capable of writing that “rap” on the podcast so fast. So, here are my versions of complex verses required of harsh deciphering, prepare for a nose bleed. Not really, they might be a little silly but I wouldn’t say they are nose bleeders or even spoofs. But I can guarantee you one thing, I’m going to try and write them in 10minutes (each).

Fish Haiku, hi to you to

I really do hate fish
Especially those who think they can breathe
Admittedly, I’m a fish as-well.

Thou King of Confectionary
I arrive at my destination,
Where? No where to mention
As to avoid personal dissertations on the Bellys darkening affection,
“Thou have come to the right place, peon”
A man bellowed with feeling
Which deserved thunderaplus applause, enough to crack the ceiling,
Of the buildings surrounding and compounding.

“thy face is like a gravestone
Filled with fine etchings but below thou art empty!
For the grave robbers have come and gone and sticky there fingers down your throat or was it there thumb?
Either way I am glad you have come!
For I have foraged these goods from a far,
On horseback not by car,
For it is about the journey not the destination!
A ladies smile is important, not the teeth that have devoid creation.
Is it not!?” I smile and agree
Just for this man to continue so I can see what he can see.

“blood stone snap up a thicket,
As fast as a 3 striped suit doth fall over a ball at a party for cricket
Do you understand?
It is not about the destination, it is about the journey young man!
Because we would never eat a fish which hath turned up uninvited
Or bacon being brought without being sighted!
So choose wisely my dear, for I am the king of confectionary!
And I am fully aware of the destination and the journey, which information can be scary!
For I shan’t tell it to you!
Make a choice, do what I do
For thou art the king of confectionary”
I marvelled at this maverick for a second then made a choice that he could see.
Ok I’ll have a chesseburger meal and does ketchup come for free?
He smiles and says, “indeed”.

My cheese rap
Here are the lyrics to my rap about cheese, notice the use of yos for anticipation purposes!

Yo yo yo yo

Yoghurts easily made of cheese
Wipe it on my bigs lips makes me a g,
Can I get a call out from babybel
Cause I know mary and she uses it as gel.
Sperm referenceing on this questral
Makes me famous in the chedder festival!
Buy loads of cheese, give it loads of holes
For sexual reasons and instead of newspaper for the treason for my spy pleasing

They think it smells, yeah well smell sells
Why do you think susan boyle gets all the girls.
She got a cheesy smile, that’s all I’m saying
Like a fine cheese it never goes off
Just like the bodies in the basement, man that’s rough

I’m not waiting any more, enough’s enough
If theres grass on the field then stay away from the muff!
Monster making Morecambe milk malnourished
Bring a few cows and they will flourish to nourish the goodness
The motherfucking cheesy goodness, solero.

Summary
They are a bit silly, but I will give 20 points to anyone who can come up with a huge deciphering essay about them all, honestly I will be your best friend if you do it! SO check out my other blogs if you want, add me on twitter, buy the tshirt! Much love all!


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Monday 29 August 2011

Day Twenty-Eight Disgruntled

IntroductionYou want a slightly disgruntled blog? Well let me embrace you with a friendly hug then squeeze your rib cage, as this is one disgruntled bloggy huggy jumble of words. I love humanity, I love our capability for infinite amounts of possibilities and our thought process to which can create modicums of human decency and common sense. It’s those who spurt shit into our atmosphere just to corrupt it, those with nothing else to do other then to be hurtful or ignorant or angry at the world for no good enough reason. These knuckle dragging teddy bear rapers are the bane of my life. So far today, I’ve managed to surround myself in these pet peeves in one way or another. To add to my aggravated way of thought, I’m still in Oxford and am using the slothputer. I’ve even gone ahead and grabbed my jogging watch just so I can look at it while waiting for the writing to come up on this blog.

Wesayanything.comI’m going to be as generalised as possible with this, I understand that it takes away from the imagination but for reputation of name’s sake I shan’t be going against the code of this blog.
I can’t stand those who fire out extreme right wing views and show no mercy about it all. Things like saying all the rioters should be killed is a little harsh, demanding the lockerbie bomber should suffer even more for the things he’s done even though he is in a coma from cancer is harsh (no bit about it). I understand the man has done terrible things but I think being in a comatose state due to cancer is enough punishment. Also to swear and blame certain races for the cheating that had happened in the hurdle competition at the WAAFA world sports competition (I know WAAFA is wrong, that’s an Algerian political party but you know what I mean). If you don’t know, then second place had grabbed hold of the guy in first place and first place falls back a bit for the guy in second place to win. To swear at that even though the story is about him doing it and then being disqualified. Maybe fair enough but to then watch the highlights to the race afterwards so you can swear and generalise, while still knowing the actual result of the race after the judicators had finished deciding what to happen?

Face Value with no Common Sense.com/I’mjustaroundtocauseaproblem

Really is so annoying to say something completely harmless and then to be taken to court about it even when it had nothing to it. Especially those sayings that you are surrounded by every day, to then say it to someone else and even though common sense would take grasp here and announce its completely harmless, they still twist it into something to argue. To cause anguish and pain on a relatively nice day! Not that I’m speaking from personal experience (had a really nice old mans walk as well, nearly got punched in the face by a squirrel, but that’s because I ate it’s babies ((I didn’t, ooo a bracket within a bracket, must be past first date terms then)). These people are so boring and really out to cause a problem, maybe for attention or maybe because anger gives them wood. Fair enough if it was a misunderstanding, but after explaining what was originally meant to still continue and cause friction, GFY.

Summary

Just to let you know, I’m no longer as annoyed as I was previous. This is because I have hammered my family at cards, 3 TIMES! God I love playing cards, if anyone wants to play texas hold’em poker or 21, I’m in!

Sunday 28 August 2011

Day Twenty-Seven Oxford, Nan, Impatient (8-2!)

Introduction
Oxford ahoy! Well I am in the mixed weather but still beautiful Oxford. Unfortunately having to use my Nan’s computer which is so old you have to crank it up on the winch to gain power. It’s so old it’s made out of asbestos and uranium, if you have it on too long it emit’s a green glow. My impatient styling is an unwanted perk in my arsenal, which makes waiting for one page to load, that more antagonising.

How can I miss that!

Talking about Arsenal! 8-2, 8-2! I am incredibly annoyed that I’ve had to miss that match, but MOTD 2 will be on!

Annoyance of Being Impatient

I can’t stand using this computer, if I had better handwriting, I’d write it several times and then mail owls to those who want to read it, with the blog of course, you aren’t having my owls (they were hard enough to pack as it is, in my bag not sexually, you fiend!). I’m currently using a program to write this called Microsoft Works Word Processor. How do I know this is an old program? It doesn’t like the word blog (god, get with the times!). I also have to wait a few minutes for what I’m typing to come up on the screen, I’m half thinking I have to ping it back into position like a type writer! How do I know this is an old computer? The numbers on the keyboard are roman numerals! Only kidding, but it is old. My Nan, god bless her, has the internet explorer pages zoomed in to the point where you have to scroll sideways.

My Nan is Awesome

Everytime I come to Oxford, she always makes my brother and I brownies! I thought that that fact warranted its own section, the truth is scrumptious. Scrumptious is such a funky word, same as popinjay. She is currently watching Charlie’s Angels with an apron saying Hot Stuff (she is wearing other clothes don’t worry!).

Summary

Yeah I can’t take this, if I can’t use my Iphone when those Orange turd wranglers switch my sim card over then I will try and make do with this. But I mean come on! I think this is one of the shortest blog’s I’ve done where I’ve had something to say. The difficulty with doing a blog everyday is, it’s a lot of content. So far I think I’ve done about 40 pages worth of constant writing. It’s about a dissertation of pure bullshit! I’d find it fantastic if someone says stop complaining about your slow computer, how do you think people in the olden days used to cope! Yeah that’s a bit like having a car that you have to pedal with your own legs after owning a Jag. Who doesn’t prefer the better of things? I’m not one to be content with below par and this computer is below par! But I am grateful she has a computer, at least she’s trying to get with the times unlike some grandparents that try and burn their kid at the stake for owning a phone (claiming its voodoo or something, true story, I’ve got the marks).

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Saturday 27 August 2011

Twenty-Six Top Three Terrible Tadverts

Introduction
After spending the whole morning watching television, I’ve taken an administrative decision to do a top three terrible adverts. Because we all need to be reminded about it from time to time!

Top Three Terrible Tadverts

Three: National Accident Helpline
You want jokes about her fringe? Look on facebook. My status feed blew up with constant jokes about how level and ugly her fringe is. The guy in the back really looks like he couldn't give a f**k.

Two: Windows Personal PC Store
What the f**k have you done to my home! I think this is the opposite of looting, setting up a shop in a home.

One: That f*cking piece of shit Mazuma Mobile Advert
An advert has never made me so angry! It’s the cheesiest most outdated piece of shit. I’ve done terrible adverts because I need the money, I’ve worn corsets and hip hop danced, I’ve worn a gimpy ninja suit and I’ve advertised a DVD game, but this would be way to far to be do. Firstly to put me in those clothes, give me a big dick head hair style and then make me dance like a right shit eater? Hell no. This is for Mazuma mobile, not outdated presumptions of what’s cool. On a lighter note, how much do you want to bet the girl in this is about 40 with 3 kids? Not that she looks like she is but it’s just something so suprising it probably would be true. When I did MI High, their was a lady who was playing the same age as me who was 32! The person I feel sorry for in this advert are the two poor poor actors (poor in monetary and the other way). The production is terrible, the idea is terrible, This is for the “environment” and yet they are out this mushroom cloud of crap.

Summary
Yeah I might be getting a little bit annoyed by Mazuma Mobile, but allow me this one thing and I'll go back to being all dilly dally.


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Friday 26 August 2011

Day Twenty-five Happy Go Lucky Goth


Introduction
What an eventful but lovely day it’s been, minus the weather. I had two castings today, one of them I will now be working on next week woop woop, get to meet Derren Brown! The other casting was a strange experience, which will be all explained below along with a little trouble I may have got myself into, enjoy.

Happy Go Lucky Goth
I got the casting yesterday for a thing called Kinkley (trust me, the amount of jokes that had run through my head when I was told could of got me arrested). If I were to get it I’d go to Tel Aviv in Israel for four days. I was a little bit worried about that because of the recent troubles in the vicinity and to calm me down, my brother said “you probably won’t die”, which is not comforting at all! I like my chances of dying to be so low that it won’t even be a respectable probability, not to mention I’d be dressed as a Goth if I get it, so that’ll really go down well with the locals.

After that I calmed myself down and I was kind of up for going there and doing it, except in the email it said that I had to dress like a Goth and wear as much make up as I can. So I put on my blue jeans white tshirt and for the Goth aspect of my clothing, a leather jacket? Now on hine sight, that’s not Goth at all but I had another casting an hour later so it had to do. I get there; they all look similar to me so it made me think maybe this won’t be a waste of time. I get into the casting and she well, she wasn’t happy. Anyway, I get out and see these 6ft 2 Mohican wearing tattoo and big boot stamping Goths. If they were my competition, I think I stand a pretty good chance…

There really isn’t anything Gothic about me, I do look a bit pastey sometimes but that’s because I bathe in paste, sexy paste. But don’t judge me though; I’m just a bit Kinkley.

Stop Laughing at my Disabled Child!
I was walking around Leicester Square after my second casting, slightly bored as I knew I’d have to wait at Euston for my train. I thought I’d do it in a place where people don’t pass wind and then do circles round you, or where I won’t get shouted at for eating Burger King because the company are testing the food on African babies (which surely they'd be grateful for if it was true?).

After a while I started to notice people who had press passes for a local horror film festival, so I played a little game where I just counted how many I saw before I got to the staition, this is when it happened. I had noticed a boy wearing a long jacket, big red scarf with tassels on it and a hunters hat. There was just something about it that I found hilarious and couldn’t help looking incredibly rude as I attempted (and failed) to hold in my laugh. I tried to avoid looking at him as he walked past so I looked into the distance and just starting laughing. Unfortunately that “distance” contained a handicapped child who had dropped his ice cream. When I realised, I felt so bad, and as I walked past them the mother literally peered into my soul. I wanted to apologise but I reckoned that if she actually didn’t notice my mistake then it would look a whole lot worse if I went up to her and said “sorry I wasn’t laughing at your handicapped daughter struggling to pick up her ice cream off the floor, I was laughing at a boy with a funny hat”.

Summary
Maintaining a perfect thing is always hard to do, which is why I really wrench myself about when I feel as if something isn’t adequate. I tend to react quite badly inside if a casting hasn’t gone right or a blog isn’t up to the hardships I had previously put myself in to get it right the day before. I just hope that the ones that I feel aren’t adequate in my eyes are up to par in others, the same with everything else. I really do rip myself a new one if I feel as if I haven’t done as well as I could or should. So on that note I bid you a due and I hope everything is going well for you, just you, you saucy bugger. 

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Thursday 25 August 2011

Twenty-Four What Time is it? Introvert Time so Quiet Please


Introduction
There is something about having insomnia that is so tiring! I fell asleep around 5 this morning and then was woken up by Emma from Conexxions or however they’ve got it spelt (Eema probably). I was expecting her to talk down to me and say my career path is leading to erectile dysfunction (metaphorically speaking, I’m not a cockfencer or anything), but instead she is going to text me about evening work, so I think I’ve just become a prostitute. If so, I do hope Emma is my pimp, as she came across as demanding but generally nice and probably would send a rescue team if I was with someone that was doing things he/she didn’t pay for (like talking, the disgusting pig!). I have thought about hiring an escort once or twice in my life when I’ve felt lonely, not because I really want to have sex with someone, but when I really fancy playing multiplayer on an Xbox game and my brother is out.

Hopefully I don’t sound like a Whiney emotional Ass Foot (being an introvert)
As an introvert I tend to not feel much loneliness until I haven’t seen anybody for a week or two, I quite like staying home and left to think about things (mainly badgers). Of course I love seeing my friends but I seem to have days out/nights out that something always happens to me (and not in the “I’m such a character I have an amazingly eventful life” sort of way, but in a “what the f*ck just happened, is that a duck being clamped?” sort of way), or I’m with someone who is having a drunken ramble about someone they’ve known for two weeks. It’s all just so tiring. When I get back home it feels like my mind is sitting on a leather couch in the darkened side of the room, stroking a slipper while bellowing “where the f*ck have you been? We’ve got conundrums to create and then solve for hours upon end”.  After I go out and have a really eventful night, I tend to avoid doing anything for a couple of days till I feel completely recharged. Although I admit, every time I go out, I never have a dull time, I’ve always got a story to tell in the end and depending on what we are doing, I will have fun, be very friendly, make jokes and be a good guy (trying to emphasize I’m not a terrible person to hang out with!), because that’s me, I love having a laugh. But I also don’t like being in uncomfortable situations or overstaying my welcome (the latter absolutely kills me when I know we are doing it). But I am very grateful to have a really fantastic set of friends, I think if I were to have the power to design my preferred set of friends it would be these guys.

People have tried to help me get out of my introverted ways but it always goes tits up in one way or another. I really can’t help having a need to be on my own, but I am concerned that it will affect me in the future. I fear that if I find “the one” (at the moment it’s looking like the cat from next door, lucky lucky cat), she won’t ultimately understand my need to be alone sometimes, especially if we move in together. It’s never anything personal; I just need to be away from people for a little bit (that’s not a personal attack on my currently nonexistent future girlfriend!). Although if she was the one then she’d probably understand, I better show this to the cat so it knows what it’s getting into.

One way I deal with feeling the need and there isn’t a way of getting away from a person is I just go quiet and into thought, but that is a rarity with most people I’m not 100% comfortable with. So if there is extended quietness after a few days with you then it means I’m really comfortable round you (congratulations!). It really hasn’t impacted me a lot as I don’t tend to spend so much time out with someone that it happens. I do like a good thought when I’m doing something that requires a one man effort (standing on a train or taking photos with my camera), and I might have a glum face on, but if you tell me too smile I will then spend the next 10minutes beating you to death in my mind with various humorous weapons (it’s a pet peeve of mine as it is, let alone breaking my train of thought!). I am a smiley happy go lucky person most of the time so if I’m not smiling it’s probably because my face hurts!

It’s not a cool and trendy thing to be, no where near, in fact it’s very uncool. It makes writing about myself in a deep way absolutely killer and I pretty much feel like I’ve murdered someone when I write about what I feel my pros are (cvs feel like burying a bunny alive). So this blog has been really hard for me to do, I wrote it on the 10th and have been debating whether to put it up or not. Even when I’ve struggled for ideas I’ve thought it wouldn’t be a good idea. But, if I don’t put it up then I pretty much am rendering the whole process pointless.

Summary
There is a site that best explains what an introvert is. Thank god it says something about not being shy because that’s what the generalised opinion about it is. Just want to say, if this actually does warrant sympathy I really don’t want it, no offence to anyone, but I just really don’t like the attention placed upon a problem when I don’t see it as one that deserves so much attention. If anyone wants to talk about it properly then email me on this or find my facebook. And before anyone asks, I’m fine! Nothing is wrong and I just felt it was necessary to write this blog because it’s not something that people understand completely. I’m doing it more for awareness purposes then attention purposes. Same for when I do the Crohn’s Disease Blog. Also with the link below, I was thinking about not linking it because the url makes me look a bit egotistical! I didn’t mean it, it’s just the url! Also the part where it sums up the only conversations an introvert can have, is wrong in my part. If you ever hold a conversation with me it will probably vary from deep philosophical talks to how fast a lizard would go on a rainbow if it had magic powers (and everything in between that, I like conversations, what can I say).


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Wednesday 24 August 2011

Day Twenty-Three- Blaming Past Sean and the Book Of Anger!


Introduction
I’m football crazy! Football mad! I’d spend time watching it if I had a dad (I have a dad). Now to try and power through another one of these blogs, can’t believe it’s the 24th day! Nearly done, then I could probably do a blog a week as I’ve actually quite enjoyed this. I have plenty of plans that I will reveal on the final days if you haven’t been listening to the podcast, all to which are schemes that licence testing. I also hit 500 views on my blog a day ago, so very happy about that! This blog is going to be about a little character called, Past Sean.

Past Sean is a Big Dick
I’m not talking about regretting my past, nothing like that. But the small choices or lazy moments that have then forced me to pick up the slack later down the road. Just looking at the bass I’ve never used which clutters my room makes me annoyed at "past Sean". I also bought a leather jacket that I never wear because it’s too much of a statement. I can’t be put in the bracket of emo rocker because I have a tendency to be happy and I love a cartwheel from time to time. But it even gets smaller then that, I’ve had to clean out mouldy cups from my room and have even nearly drunk out of them in the middle of the night.  All these things have been caused from "Past Sean"! I even think like that a bit now, I have a collection of bent and tattered photos on my wall that I had called the Happy Wall (this isn’t an attempt at a melodramatic metaphor I promise) but now all the photos are falling off and I’m tending to find them in strange places (had one stuck to my back for a few hours!). I would sort it out but I’m going to leave it for future Sean, for when he gets so annoyed at finding another photo in his boxers (ballbag paper cut anyone?).

I also once found a half eaten galaxy cake bar in my favourite bag which filled me with anger, only to remember specifically saying to myself “OK don’t forget about that”. I think referring my past mistakes as a living being kind of gives me comfort in the idea of becoming a more reliable/anal man, either that or I’m completely nuts ("Completely Nuts" being the arch nemesis of "Anal Man").

One thing I am thankful for is that I never do anything that I think I might look back on and hate in the future. Like getting a Nike tick shaved in the back of my hair or getting a piercing on my eyebrow (bellend boyband power!). One thing I think about that a friend of mine might regret is her mime video to a Disney song. If you don’t think it’s that bad then let me change that. She has edited it and done it seriously with no sense of irony or sillyness to it. She even does the lying on the bed laying her chin on her hands, then rocking her head side to side and singing. How can anyone do that without realising how silly it looks?! I think the only video I kind of look back and sigh is the video of me pulling forward one of those spring projected rocking horses in a kids playground then letting it go, smashing me in the nuts. Not because I didn’t find it funny, I did but, it just hurt so much (damn you Anal Man).

BOOK OF ANGER
My brother was cleaning out his office when he found a book I had written in. I clamoured at this book to find what significant artefacts I can find out about myself. The first few pages were a list of things I’ve got to do, all as monotonous and unexciting as the next (as a previous attempt to eradicate "Past Sean", I presume). After a few pages, I started to get bored but then I noticed a bit of writing on a completely random page (literally was about 40 pages of blank and then this). On this page I had scribbled the line “anyone who says “darling I like being fashionably late” is a gimp”. To think this book is four years old! What had angered me so much that I had to write that down!

Summary
With the current situation of mine being a little bit sporadic, I have decided to give myself a little “to do” list. Along with that, I’m giving myself points (doing this blog is worth 10, a wopping 10!)! A little sad, but I don’t have a girlfriend to sigh at me about it, so I’m going to go ahead and do it and then let Future Sean look back and think how much of a ballknuckle I am/used to be. Inception… INCEPTION… IT’S STILL SPINNING!

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Tuesday 23 August 2011

Day Twenty-Two Television Centre and the Constant Theme of Wee


Introduction
Again I think I’m going to start it off by saying I’m incredibly tired and ill. It’s definitely a running theme in my blogs and I wouldn’t be surprised if people could tell when I was at my most tired as the content wears thin (minus yesterday, I just couldn’t think of anything good to say at all!).

Call it a Diary
I had a casting at the BBC Television Centre today. Every time I go there I always feel a sense of importance. Just knowing who has been inside it makes me have an overwhelming feeling of worth (a bit like teabagging an oscar, or something similar of course). I had a pretentious idea that I should walk in and out of the building with a smug (but undeserving) face for the next three hours so passersby thought I was famous. I didn’t though, because I don’t think anyone would see the funny side and well I’d look like a bit of a dick head walking out then a minute later walking back in and repeating (although I am giggling a little bit at the thought because I’m a sad tired ill man). I tend to get really bored waiting for my scenes so I usually create things I should do. It reminds me of a story that Zack Galifianakis told on The Nerdist podcast. While he was in a film called Below, he would have quite a few days off and the production would give him money to spend on food. He was hanging about at night in Trafalgar Square, bored. So he would go to random strangers, trying to pay them 50 quid to look at the moon with him.

Train Piss
Journey back on the train to Euston from White City always has a long winded feeling even though it’s only about six stops. At one point of the journey on this cramped rush hour train, I had a couple in my personal space as they were all up in each others grill, which I could deal with. What I couldn’t deal with is that this particular couple both smelt like piss and sweat. As disturbed as I was, I kind of admired the fact that both of them definitely smelt like it, not just one of them. They were one piss smelling entity.

Turn that Smell Down!
I managed to get pasta at marks and sparks in Euston before rushing to my train. I sat down and looked at my pasta in excitement as I had not eaten for a few hours and it was my opportunity to show this pasta whose boss. As soon as I opened it, some guy standing up walked past me and yelled “turn that smell down!”. I was initially confused and a little scared so I just said “sorry ok will do” as he pressed the button to first class and left. I couldn’t think of anything clever to say, in fact I can’t think of anything clever to say towards it now. It was just so random and I don’t think he really knew what he said, he only knew how he felt, that my pasta was fucking stinky, and it was, there was no denying it. Kind of makes me think that something really must of pissed him off and my pasta tipped him over the edge.

Summary
If you know me then you’d know I’m not a huge clubbing fan. So when I find an album with pictures of a local club doing a wet tshirt competition, I was a bit jubilant. As I went through it, I noticed all the girls were drunk and they all were victims of terribly timed photographs (quite a few of them look like they’ve been asked to do there best elephant man being slapped in the face with a wet fish look), also there is a photo of a naked man, within this photograph you can see the floor of where they are doing the wet tshirt competition, is all yellow. Nothing more sexy then drunken women dancing and prancing about in wee. This blog has the most mention of urine in it, which really pisses me off.

Here’s the link of what I’m talking about, I didn’t put the photo up as I don’t want to inflict it on anyone, just click on it and look at the water. But it really does sum up why i don't go clubbing, let alone in Watford.

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=190908887640807&set=a.190901394308223.49041.100001650908148&type=1&theater


Monday 22 August 2011

Twenty-One- Top Three Non-Obvious Comedians.


Introduction
Heard an alarming buzzing noise, thought it was the laptop. Turned out it wasn’t the laptop but was coming from my mum shaving my step dads back. Brilliant. Today has been allright just quite frustrating for no good reason. What has ultimately frustrated me in a tiny way is the mental block I am currently having. I just don’t feel capable of having an intriguing analytical thought today, at all. So it’s actually going to be a short one to avoid causing any issue! Here is my top three non-obvious comedians:

Three: Russell Kane


Two: Simon Evans


One: Jon Richardson

Summary
Loved Russell Kane as soon as he started doing the fiva usa idents a few years back. Simon Evans was brilliant as the warm up when i went to see Lee Mack. Can't find a really good video of him but still!
Jon Richarson is a sublime comedian and one I kind of relate too the most. Always loved him since he done the radio six show with Russell Howard and I’m really glad he is starting to make a successful career for himself.

Sunday 21 August 2011

Day Twenty- One of Those Day's (and Why Get Angry at Nothing?)



Introduction
This might be a short one, it might not. Actually I won’t put it in that bracket I’ll just put it in the “just one of those day’s” category. This is due to my tiredness along with contributing factors of not feeling well at all and others I don’t feel necessary to mention. I won’t go into yesterday night to which is a factor to blame in why I’d probably feel a little bothered/like a mess, but lets just say, it was “one of those nights”.


One of Those Days
This “just one of those days” scenario is a day compacted with tiny mishaps and unfortunate events. So far I’ve managed to forget I had crisps in my pocket when I sat down, got up to fast from a lying position and lost sight for a few seconds and fell up the stairs (not downstairs, I’m not an animal). The best one was when I tried to pump myself up for the day by looking in the mirror and telling myself “it’ll all be ok” (I never usually do that, too scared my reflection will reply with “nothing will be ok until you kill your neighbours” or something to that description), only to notice I had chocolate on the side of my neck, which is bad, but not as bad as recalling the last time I had chocolate was yesterday afternoon. My reaction to it all could be a number of options, all as significant and drama queeny the higher up the metaphorical ladder of options I go. I’ve gone with the option of sighing and then getting on with it (which is how I deal with pretty much all my problems, even when I had a problem about how much I sigh). The one I try to avoid the most is getting angry at something that I can’t change, this is due to the fact that I will gain nothing from getting myself so stressed out about it (F**K YOU LARGE HADRON COLLIDER, WHY DON’T YOU PARTICLE ACCELORATE THESE NUTS WHILE YOU ATTEMPT TO UNDERSTAND THE DEEPER MEANING OF MY GOOCH, anyway.) Actually completely off subject for a moment, comedian appreciation time:



Why Get so Angry at Nothing?
I try not to get angry at the small things, what’s the point of it? It’ll just get me more stressed, which in turn isn’t good for my health or the people surrounding me (when I get angry I have a tendency to roundhouse kick blindly, I don’t actually but can you imagine?! I can, you won’t believe what I just imagined! That’s right, a rhino playing hopscotch on the back of a tiny unicorn, the spike headed cracka). When I see people go all drama queen on my ass and get really angry about the small things, I just get down. Then when they’ve resolved their problems by listening to some depressing music and dropkicking a dyslexic down some alphabetty spaghetti stairs (it’s a featuring trend in Slovakia), they are met with a disappointed smile, as they notice I wasn’t really cool with the outburst.

A problem of mine is that I tend to give people too many excuses, in the sometimes futile attempt to understand the modicum of motivation they had used to be disgruntled. But when it comes down to it, I tend to fall back on the more plausible and consistently correct deduction that they are just over reacting and being a little childish. I just don’t get why people relish in making a big deal out of a little thing. It’s like saying “the car is ruined” just because someone deleted a photo of said car on their phone.

Why can’t people just realise that maybe some things aren’t worth getting angry about? Why can’t we all just notice that when thing’s can’t be changed, then they can’t be changed, no matter how many post-boxes you kick and punch out of primal frustration and built up rage. I say this because I used to do it (get angry, not practice judo on an inanimate objects, I don’t want to be embarrassed when I get my arse kicked by it), but now I just chill. Life is a conundrum, an unexplainable ride of experiences and emotions with no real control over anything with a heartbeat. Surely we all know this, so let’s just make things run smoother, no-one wants another dyslexic kicked down a spiral staircase while they carry books (which they no doubt read perfectly the liars! Kidding)

Summary
I’ve decided the “it’s just one of those days” invigilator is a Tyrannosaurus Rex. With this knowledge, I’ve deduced the proclamation that I shall not move all day, and as we all know, good ol’ Rexxy can only see moving creatures (I got that from Jurassic Park, but the more I think about it the more I start to think that it can’t be true, because that’d be so pointless and they’d be screwed travelling near trees. With that and the tiny arms, I’m starting to think they perhaps were disabled nerds and the Spinosaurus mocked them in the locker room after P.E, while the iguanodon dribbled and gave a constant thumbs up. Bullies I say! Bullies! God, I’ve just realised I just did a few jokes for a crowd that is smaller then a Sex in the City Storyline). I can obviously say I was wrong at the beginning, it wasn’t short at all! And for that I say, deal with it! Don’t like it? Well I’m having one of those days (and the blog becomes full circle).

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Saturday 20 August 2011

Day Nineteen- Trailer Top Four


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Introduction
“Hey Sean, try and sort yourself out quickly so we can leave early” “OK sure”. Two hours later “Sean, you sorted?” “Yes”. Meanwhile in reality, I’ve gone ahead and wasted about 2hours looking at trailers and not done anything else! So, I thought I’d put it to use by putting up my top four Trailers! There are obvious ones I was going to link but have decided not to. Want to know my obvious ones? New Dark Knight Trailer to which I’m really excited about (Bane looks like Scorpion from Mortal Kombat but I’m really not complaining). Others are Fright Night and the new Johnny English filmoreno. Anyway, my top four trailers of this week!

Top Four Trailers of the Week

Four: The Ides of March
I just couldn't not put this in. I happen to not only be a huge fan of Ryan Gosling and George Clooney (slight man crush on him), but Paul Giamatti as well. If you have ever seen him in Shoot'em Up or Sideways, you’d understand my love for him. So with those powerhouses, along with Philip Seymour Hoffmen, it is guaranteed to atleast be a semi adequate film. This slick film is about an idealistic Ryan Gosling learning all about the dos and don’ts in the dirty game of politics. Probably a possible Oscar contender, if not that then an obvious further stepping stone Ryan Gosling is on to solidify him as a well regarded actor.

Three: Archies Final Project
This stylised documentary style movie has won a ludicrous amount of film awards, understandably as well. It’s got a real Super size Me/Zeitgeist sort of feel mixed with shards of A Scanner Darkly with the cartoon style bits. Gabriel Sunday plays Archibold Holden Buster Williams (I’d feel the same way he does if I had that name) who plans to film his own suicide for his film project, this idea brings attention from all those around him, including the nutty Sierra Silver (played by Brooke Nevin). The film looks entertaining, maybe a little heavy at points but there isn’t anything wrong with that. Would definitely fill the independent craving hole (you filthy devil you). Huge props to Gabriel Sunday, the guy wrote, edited and produced this film!

Two: The Last Circus
This looks mental. Absolutely mental! I know people who have problems with foreign films because of there style and because they just can’t be asked to read (if you feel that way then you are missing out on Guillermo Del Toro movies like Pan’s and The Orphanage along with Rec and Javier Bardem’s Biutiful…Microsoft Word is going nuts at that sentence, the racist). This film honestly looks awe-inspiring and creatively driven in so many directions. It really is admirable in this day and age of movies that suffer from originality and sequelitis (you can get cream for that) that they would have the balls to release this.

In 1937, a "Happy" clown is forcibly recruited to serve in the Spanish Civil War, where he massacres an entire platoon with a machete still in costume.
In 1973, near the end of the Franco regime, the clown's son, Javier, follows in his father's footsteps to become a clown, but he is too miserable to be funny and is instead relegated to play the part of the Sad Clown. There he is repeatedly humiliated by the Happy Clown Sergio for the entertainment of others. Javier later falls in love with Sergio's gorgeous acrobat wife, Natalia. A love triangle ensues between the three of them, and the two clowns engage in a horrific battle with one another (this was taken from Wikipedia, I’m running out of time and the scary clown boner I have is starting to hurt).

One: Tucker and Dale vs Evil
I’m really craving this film, like maoam sugarcoated in crack cocaine. It has a sexy Shaun of the Dead feel to it. This spoof movie has such an original idea, showing the story of the hicks who aren’t actually killing them but have become a centre focus of a series of unfortunate accidents and presumptions (presumptions causing problems? Unheard of in life, sour sour flower power….*shrugs*). Not that I’m saying the mutated hicks in The Hills Have Eyes weren’t killing anyone (chainsaw hug anyone?). The hillbillys are played by Tyler Labine (Reapers) and Alan Tudyk (Firefly, Serenity, I Robot, Dodgeball).

Summary
If your goal is to be disturbed by a film then The Hills Have Eyes Two is the film for you! Hell, the first three minutes involving a pregnant lady was disturbing enough, let alone the badger in a gimp mask (not actually in there, a boy can dream though). Anyway, I apologise if you want a further in-depth analysis of these films, I’m not clambering at excuses like a child with a bloody knife and a new furry jacket, but I haven’t watched the movies yet so will probably be able to really go into the Mise-en-scène on a later date. Have a good weekend my beardy weirdies (that’s right, you got a name now, so off you go and frolock!)

Friday 19 August 2011

Day Eighteen- Stranger Observing (kinder word than stalking)

Introduction
I’m writing this blog on a mac, which even though i’ve used macs before and i’ve obviously used a computer before, it still feels as if i know nothing about it. Bit like when a stranger asks you to take a photo of them with their camera, even though you’ve taken plenty of photos before you still look at it like its fire to a caveman. The temptation to then put the camera in my mouth is overwhelming, which is probably why i’m on that register. Which brings me onto a few observations about the world of strangers, god that was smooth like a lubed up bit of smooth peanut butter, yum mothernutty yum.
Oh, Something is on my Finger?
Saw a weird thing today, a lady had some food on her finger so she licked it off (WOAW! Stay away from my children ya freak), which as a 19 year old teenager, I slightly enjoyed but she kept doing it. I, to no surprise, started to get freaked out as minutes went by and she just kept sucking that finger, really strongly as well like her finger has turned into a straw filled with delicious treats. What the hell was on her finger!? Or did she suck on it then have a miraculous discovery that she was a gummy cannibal! It was that sort of thing that made me realize that less was more, if she was trying to woo all the men in the carriage, then she had been successful for the first 10 seconds, then after that it just got a bit creepy and admittedly, a little scary (last time i got scared for my life after witnessing something sucking was when i said Zoey Deschanel wasn’t very good in Tin Man, they went straight for the metaphorical jugular and called me a pretentious ****, even though i loved her in 500 days of summer and Hitch Hikers Guide). She’s probably still on that train covered in dribble and missing a hand. That’d be an awful story at the prosthetics department wouldn’t it? “I lost my arm by distracting a lion from mauling my grandchildren, what about you?” “I just got carried away on a train, doctors said I should start chewing bubble gum before I strike again”.
Dark Temptations
A few months back on the train to victoria (the station), i heard a man say to his girlfriend, “don’t stand in front of me, i might push you onto the tracks” (because thats what love does to you). I can’t replicate the tone he said it in by writing it, but you can understandably guess it was happy in tone but with a slight sinister underlining (a bit like having a nice warm duvet but then recalling you’ve been on holiday for two weeks and there isn’t any way that the duvet could be warm other then ghosts or the more commonly known phenomenon of a 2 second fire duvet tornado). I openly admit I've walked behind someone going down some stairs and thought “i could scissor kick you in the back of the head right now”, but saying it out loud is a little sinister, maybe not as evil as actually doing it but hey, swings and roundabouts. 
Prioritising
It’s something we all do, like when I had to either save my grandchildren from a lion or keep playing Call of Duty, there facebooks are a hurtful reminder that I really should have kept playing Call of Duty(I don't actually have grandchildren, I'm 19 and my pet lion needed feeding). I try to be a good guy so when I see someone struggle with carrying things upstairs, i offer my assistance. Strange thing is, I tend to get evil looks then a stern no when I ask if they need there bags carrying up, but when it comes to babies in prams, its an instant yes and do you want to keep it. I’m just waiting for the day when there is a woman with a pram and bags and I ask if she needs any help and she just says “you can’t carry my bags as they are bags for life, this little git is going to piss off when he’s 16, that and I got the bag on purpose...”.
Summary
People are fantastic aren’t they? Minus the violent and evil ones of course, unless you are cheeky and witty with your evilness then you are more then welcome to hang around with me! Just going completely off subject with this, but don’t you hate it on facebook when you see someone liking a like group called “quietly thinking to yourself “Step aside motherf*ckers" when entering a dancefloor” and just knowing they aren’t joining it ironically.


Podcast
http://themetaphoricalbeard.podomatic.com/entry/2011-08-17T15_09_58-07_00

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Thursday 18 August 2011

Day Seventeen- Congrats to Everyone, Now Suffer with Big Brother!

Introduction
By the looks of things on facebook, it seems as though everyone has got what they wanted from their A level results, whish is good. I enjoy the idea of all my friends abandoning me to go university (priorities that’s all I’m saying). Very happy that pretty much all of you got B and above, never mind if you didn’t. You can do what I’m doing at the moment, waiting hours upon hours for photos to upload only to find about 7 hours it’s only done 100photos out of 250. To be honest, there isn’t much point doing a blog for today because about 95% of my audience are probably out celebrating or they’ve got university acceptance ego (to which resorts in the victim having a feeling of worthiness over anything that requires reading, you swines!). Honestly though, congratulations on your big win and I hope you pick up a few more 3 pointers during the time you are at university (avoid and stds though, they might be slightly distracting during lectures!). Very happy for you all and I hope you get into the universities you wanted to get into!

Big Brother
Big Brother is back, unfortunately. I’ve never really liked it because it’s kind of addictive and just trashy television. The people on it will probably make me angry, I say probably because I don’t actually know who most of them are except the girl who was in scrubs and Kerry Katona (unfortunately again). I’m really sensing I’m going to have to try really hard to avoid it! Although, I say I’m going to get angry, just watching Daniel swear is kind of making me think I might not be as distressed as others (“he just said it’s going to make him rip his cock off” so little worried). I say all this but I probably will end up watching it, with subtitles of course.

Summary
Just got a few texts saying they saw me on the freederm advert during the Big Brother break, yeah cheers for recognising me in that but not in the actual freederm idents for big brother last year! Here, this is what you might of missed out on. It was a lot of fun actually, killed my knee though, ah good times! Again, congratulations to all for today!











Wednesday 17 August 2011

Day Sixteen- 2nd Podcast (Solero Sweary Rappers Delight)

Podcast
UUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHH UUUUUUUHHHHHHHH. Listen to the podcast and you will get what sound I’m actually making. In this podcast:

Solero referencing
Categories game
Ultimate sweary mary bleepy festy
Loser Raps
I Rap about Cheese
Week in Blog


Ridiculously proud of this podcast, no doubt the funniest one I’ve ever been apart of (don’t know about Daniel, you know what he’s like the podcast prostitute).

Really do watch out for the ultimate swear fest (about 20minutes in) I do and even the rap to which I made the content in 10minutes (its 30minutes into the podcast).

I hope you enjoy it as much as we did!

Oh and I hope people waiting for their a level results get what they want tomorrow, in the results way and whatever rewards they get for doing well.

http://themetaphoricalbeard.podomatic.com/entry/2011-08-17T15_09_58-07_00

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Tuesday 16 August 2011

Day Fifteen- Casting Realisation and the Reebok Facehugger Situation


Introduction
God damn it, I am so tired! The fact that I have insomnia probably isn’t helping the situation but I mean come on!! My casting today was in Gunnersbury which is near Richmond so it was quite a journey. Also I was being an idiot because I decided to go from Bushey to Harrow and Wealdstone station only to get the same train I could of got from Bushey. If you’ve ever witnessed a man lose an argument to himself, then you really missed out on this opportunity. Telling yourself “I told you so” really isn’t as effective as telling someone else. Anyway, I get to the casting and something happened that I have never been apart of before.

Casting Today
Usually I’m the youngest looking, the youngest in age and the smallest, but not this time. They looked my age or older, there was one girl who looked about 26 except, she was turning 16 in a month? I turn to the other guys I was doing the script with to say how stunned I was, it turned out they were 14 and 16! It was like going to a club with a girl only to find out everyone there were made out of marzipan (or something to that description... Stop looking at me like that! You know what I mean't). To add salt to the sack, I recognised the producer, I had worked with him on a Disney xD show about two years ago, so I say “hello haven’t seen you in ages”, the other two said “oh you guys know each other” to which the casting director says “Sean’s been around for a long time”(possibly a sexual joke to which ironically I was to young to understand, that and probably because I clean my mind at Disney castings from the usual dirty abyss stained carcass my mind seems to live off of). It made me laugh but I kind of felt like the old dude in the situation, like I’m Tim Westwood surrounded by all these aspiring (werthers original) rappers, except this time i was going for the same job as them. It was really surreal, one I didn’t cry over as I took it all in as a new experience. One I think I’m going to have to get used to as I’m not getting any older looking (till that beard fires it self out like a self projected bar of soap from a man with lubed hands)

It’s not the weirdest experience I’ve had at a casting, weirdest was for a Reebok commercial where I had to make out with a girl (which was weird enough because i thought a girl was a certain type of bread…). I was making myself ready for a normal actors make out sesh involving no tongue but it didn’t really work out as I thought it would… She literally ate my face (I had to wipe lipstick off my ears, that’s how wrong it was). You aren’t suppose to feel tongue but it was pretty much inevitable. I felt it on my cheek and she wasn’t aiming to do that, she just had her mouth so wide open that it seemed to jump out at the opportunity to escape the dreaded teeth infested cave. It was honestly like a face hugger scene from Alien.
Literally it pretty much felt like this

Summary
I think I’ve done OK in my career so far, although I really want to do much better and I want to be working more. The wait kills me and my patience fluctuates so drastically that I’ll be ok with waiting for a casting one day and another I’ll be tearing my hair out (which makes it all the more poignant when I turn up to a casting looking like I only get let out once a month). I do seem to get less excited then others when I get things though, it’s probably because I’m very English, Although saying that, I get really excited when other people have good news from the acting (or anything) front, people are awesome, especially my friends and they deserve every little good thing that happens to them, they’ve been super supportive for me and they deserve the same back cause they are lovely lovely ladies and gentlemanz.

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