I’m writing this blog on a mac, which even though i’ve used macs before and i’ve obviously used a computer before, it still feels as if i know nothing about it. Bit like when a stranger asks you to take a photo of them with their camera, even though you’ve taken plenty of photos before you still look at it like its fire to a caveman. The temptation to then put the camera in my mouth is overwhelming, which is probably why i’m on that register. Which brings me onto a few observations about the world of strangers, god that was smooth like a lubed up bit of smooth peanut butter, yum mothernutty yum.
Oh, Something is on my Finger?
Saw a weird thing today, a lady had some food on her finger so she licked it off (WOAW! Stay away from my children ya freak), which as a 19 year old teenager, I slightly enjoyed but she kept doing it. I, to no surprise, started to get freaked out as minutes went by and she just kept sucking that finger, really strongly as well like her finger has turned into a straw filled with delicious treats. What the hell was on her finger!? Or did she suck on it then have a miraculous discovery that she was a gummy cannibal! It was that sort of thing that made me realize that less was more, if she was trying to woo all the men in the carriage, then she had been successful for the first 10 seconds, then after that it just got a bit creepy and admittedly, a little scary (last time i got scared for my life after witnessing something sucking was when i said Zoey Deschanel wasn’t very good in Tin Man, they went straight for the metaphorical jugular and called me a pretentious ****, even though i loved her in 500 days of summer and Hitch Hikers Guide). She’s probably still on that train covered in dribble and missing a hand. That’d be an awful story at the prosthetics department wouldn’t it? “I lost my arm by distracting a lion from mauling my grandchildren, what about you?” “I just got carried away on a train, doctors said I should start chewing bubble gum before I strike again”.
A few months back on the train to victoria (the station), i heard a man say to his girlfriend, “don’t stand in front of me, i might push you onto the tracks” (because thats what love does to you). I can’t replicate the tone he said it in by writing it, but you can understandably guess it was happy in tone but with a slight sinister underlining (a bit like having a nice warm duvet but then recalling you’ve been on holiday for two weeks and there isn’t any way that the duvet could be warm other then ghosts or the more commonly known phenomenon of a 2 second fire duvet tornado). I openly admit I've walked behind someone going down some stairs and thought “i could scissor kick you in the back of the head right now”, but saying it out loud is a little sinister, maybe not as evil as actually doing it but hey, swings and roundabouts.
It’s something we all do, like when I had to either save my grandchildren from a lion or keep playing Call of Duty, there facebooks are a hurtful reminder that I really should have kept playing Call of Duty(I don't actually have grandchildren, I'm 19 and my pet lion needed feeding). I try to be a good guy so when I see someone struggle with carrying things upstairs, i offer my assistance. Strange thing is, I tend to get evil looks then a stern no when I ask if they need there bags carrying up, but when it comes to babies in prams, its an instant yes and do you want to keep it. I’m just waiting for the day when there is a woman with a pram and bags and I ask if she needs any help and she just says “you can’t carry my bags as they are bags for life, this little git is going to piss off when he’s 16, that and I got the bag on purpose...”.
People are fantastic aren’t they? Minus the violent and evil ones of course, unless you are cheeky and witty with your evilness then you are more then welcome to hang around with me! Just going completely off subject with this, but don’t you hate it on facebook when you see someone liking a like group called “quietly thinking to yourself “Step aside motherf*ckers" when entering a dancefloor” and just knowing they aren’t joining it ironically.