The Final Day of the Project- Subject: Me

Introduction

The last day of the project! I don’t really feel sad about it, as it doesn’t have to stop entirely. I have enjoyed doing it, as my English be getting better (deliberate). Along with that, it’s given me a chance to really have a good bicker and have a wider view on life. I feel as if I was always haunted by my own past, the wrong doings, the missed chances and all that shameful stuff. I admit, I am one of those people who say “I don’t regret anything”, but admittedly, there is plenty I regret. Whether it be with ex girlfriends, or fears that should have been shrugged off, they always seemed to haunt me and hurt my prospects and views on life. Fears and worries turned to hate which turned to my new catchphrase for a while which was “I don’t care”. On hindsight, of course I did, otherwise I wouldn’t have found an issue in it anyway. Stuff like my ex not texting me for a whole day for the first time in 3 years or coming back from a casting knowing it went bad and then telling myself, “I didn’t really want it anyway”. Anything to really shut up the voices in my head telling me that it actually has hurt me. I seem to only really be hurt by the blatantly obvious, which smashes me so hard in the face I don’t have time to say I don’t care about it (only for me to crawl into that hole later to avoid further questioning on the matter).

My Views on Sympathy

I hate sympathy, because of my constant crying and steady rising fears of everything as a child, I got a lot of it, but I also over heard resentment for it. I missed so much school that my friends got fed up of it because they didn’t understand what Crohn’s Disease was. In year 11 I changed quite a lot on my aspect on life. If I were to put it in a plainer example, it felt like I had aged in my mind about 5 years from thinking like a 12 year old to a 17 year old. By the time I had got out of A levels after three weeks, I was so sour of people, my brain had aged about 40 years. Which is probably one of the reasons (other then the obvious) to why I was so grateful to be surrounded by such fantastic and lovely people when I went to BTEC (of course there was a few characters, a boy called Anthony was one of them, he threatened to “spark” a girl, I then ((heroically of course, didn’t have time to get my cape, but the top hat and monocle was enough)) got up and said Anthony calm down and his quick witted reply was “don’t Anthony me”. I didn’t really have a clever reply to it other then “ok do the hustle do do dooo doo do da do do”, although that is my preset reply to anything in my mind, I do hope that guy is OK though, he disappeared off the radar when he left college). These people, I am happy to say will be life long friends, I am in awe of them and I couldn’t love them more.

  

Now when I have an issue, I usually speak to certain people I spoke about above, or wait until I don’t care anymore, not the I don’t care thing I mentioned earlier, real not caring. Although that process does take a few months/years. Even when my Crohn’s is acting up, I don’t talk about it or mention it, in fear that I will get sympathy.

I’m not an alpha male at all at the moment, but one thing I have learnt over the years is to never show weakness to the outsiders. A bleak thought I know, one that has probably stopped some friendships from getting past stage 2, but it’s one that has been buried into my mind like a flower in the back garden.

Their was a situation at my old drama group when we played a game called "chairs". This game requires you to imagine the chair is the person you’ve needed to speak to for ages. In doing so, you say the things you’ve needed to get out. This memory is one that I can’t help but regret deeply, even while typing this I’m tensing and squinting at the sheer thought of it (I even did a shiver that was so crazy it had pulled my neck muscles, the cheeky rascals). I had gotten carried away in the moment, not only going once but a total of three times (twice before the break, third time after), the last one ending with me storming out crying. “What had possessed me to even think it was a good idea to do it?!” I would yell at myself on nights pondering over it. I’m not a follower, neither am I an obvious leader, but I’m certainly not a follower, so what had allowed me to break all conformities which have all been set in stone? What angers me most at myself about the situation, is that I even did it, my issues weren’t as big as others, I didn’t need people to know my problems, especially those I didn’t really know. A place in which for a while I felt was a sanctuary, an opportunity to hang out with my best mates and where I could spend valuable time with one that I had loved for so long, was ruined for me. I don’t blame the owners or anyone else for the way I feel about it, that day is up for anyone’s presumption, but for me, it was one I regretted. After that, the drama class felt dirty to me, like they had witnessed me taking a dump in a circle and then backfliping into it, I felt dishonoured. It didn’t bring those who I didn’t really like to me, it only acted as a deterrent for me to never do anything similar again. It was pandemonium at the end, a guy smashed a window, another was weeping so hard onto another’s shoulder that he had a nose bleed, all of them with problems that warranted affection, love and sympathy, wishing for all of them to get better. I had made a hasty retreat and recovered, to make sure everyone was happy and smiling, but with a constant haunting feeling that I had some how ruined my natural, light-hearted persona for those in the room. A sub reason to why I think I had taken that day so badly is that their really wasn’t anyone else I could blame. Yes we could of not continued the game after the break, yes we could of just not played that game at all, yes my girlfriend at the time could of not run into the toilet at break, leaving me on my own, but I was the one who decided to take part, no one forced me. It was definitely an experience, one that I am slightly grateful for, but still one I regret.

My humour

I just want to secure something safely in the bank. My humour, the reason why I’m always making jokes (whether they be good or bad) is not a subconscious attempt to hide my insecurities. My insecurities are few and far between and if you spend enough time with me, you’d probably realise I make jokes out of everything. I’m comfortable with myself, yes I would like to gain weight if the Crohn’s let me, of course I’d love to be taller, but all these things I don’t really have control over, so I don’t see it as a problem. It’s not a coping mechanism either because I’m secretly gay (which is what every answer book about any action that I take will probably lead too). Nothing wrong with being gay, in fact if I was gay I’d probably be a whole lot funnier and less “seemingly flirtatious” towards women because of my friendliness and humour. Thinking about it, I think it would just switch over so guys would feel that way (I attract a lot of straight men for some reason?). My humour, is my humour, I love making jokes, I love creativity, which is why I hardly plan most things I say and I love making people happy and smile. It’s an addiction to me, if you laugh at the things I say I will not only fall in love with you slightly but I will also become more and more aware of what you find funny and stick with it. But in a generalised way so those who don’t a have similar humour could probably laugh at it to. Although, their is a girl I’ve been good friends with for a while (lies! All lies, kidding), we end up doing strange sounds together for about an hour, giggling away like Japanese school girls who have just seen the new cute (hentai) anime bunny. I love making people happy, I love making them feel things in a positive way (or a negative way if I’m acting and it’s the desired thing to need, like I’m playing a paedophile sports player who just shagged his team mates girlfriend ((no I’m not saying John Terry is a paedophile, I just added it for an increased anguish towards the character in question!). Overall, I just want people to smile more then they do, to be a reason for happiness, if there was anything I wanted more then becoming a well regarded actor, is to see those who I love, and those who deserve it, to be happy.

I may not speak to certain people as much as I would hope, I may seem distant at times, but never think I would want anything other then the best for you, unless you’re a nazi/unicorn or anything similar.

Summary

To be perfectly honest with you all, I’ve never felt happier. I feel a sense of completion at the moment. It won’t last and that’s not me being pessimistic, I hardly ever feel this happy, which is why I treasure these moments. I’m currently on my own, cooking for myself. As much as I find it inevitable that I will get a “pad” on my own, I don’t mind the thought of it. It even excites me at the thought of getting a pad with someone I truly love. It’s not a depressing thought, it’s just one that makes me smile that smile only associated with the thoughts of the future and aspiration (or bacon).

I just want to say thank you to all of those have supported me over the month, the regular readers, the future readers and those who can read in general (won’t insert any dyslexic bashing, or deshing as they would write). So this is it from the project, thank you again, it’s been fun. It’s not a goodbye, it’s a cya later (when I remember what film that is from I will be fully complete and then sail away into the distant sunlight to the sounds of Bon Iver “for Emma”). If you have just read this one, I implore you to read the others and tell me what you think, same to those who have read all of them, fudge it, to those who have anything to think, tell me.

So thank you again, I love you all. This is it, for now, much love

Twitter

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Day Thirty! Puberty, Monitored by Facebook (and a Harry Potter Mention!)

Introduction

God headache, why won’t you go away! I’ve had a horrible piercing headache all day! I’ve taken everything I can, I even tried to sniff up a nail because apparently it would help (it didn’t!). Along with that, my groin muscles are acting up (too much sex, with the wall). I’ve had that problem on and off for a few years now and it always happens un-dramatically. It’s not like I saved a goal from going in with a diving tackle on the 93^rd minute, its more “I got up ever so slightly faster then my leg was expecting”. God I sound like an old man, I think that’s my problem, I have the view on life like a 60 year old man. That’s probably why I quite like long relationships and werther's original (or as they say in Phoneshop, nonse nuggets). My idea of bliss is being tucked away in a tropical island with a wife and access to seeing a few of my friends. No hussle and bussle, no troubles or worries. It sounds like a universal dream, but I’ve heard quite a lot of goals would be going out, taking loads of drugs and getting with women. That idea is fine, except that’s only one night, it doesn’t really take up any responsibilities for the day after, when you find out you’ve sold one of your own hands to a gypsy for shelter against the purple storm gathering in your left eye socket. F*cking gypsies.

The Times They are a Changing

It’s taken me 30 blogs but I’ve managed to get a Bob Dylan lyric in there! 5 points to Gryffindor! Actually thinking about it, would I be in that team? I feel like I’d be in Gryffindor but there is just something so awesome about Slytherin. I mean, they can’t all be that evil if they’ve actually made a team for it, right? This is coming from the guy who hasn’t watched the last two films or read any of the books! Let’s see how many readers I lose after declaring that.

Anyway! It’s going to be quite hard for me to stay on subject, what subject you say!? Exactly. Having Facebook (or any other social medium) has opened up loads of doors and has changed the way we perceive social definition. Along with that, it has been interesting to watch people redefine and grow as people over the time I have been friends with them on Facebook. Like when you see a photo of them when they joined Facebook and they looked like Jabba the Hut! Then you look at there current photo and they miraculously look like Jabba the Hut but with a new scarf, it’s still interesting to see. If I could post the before and after photos of people reconfiguring their looks and puberty taking them by the throat, I would. But I’m pretty sure you could see it for yourself! I have quite a few people who I grew up with, who now look completely different too how they looked previously.

Hell, quite a lot of them have replaced there own display pictures to photos of an ultra sound. Although, I do sometimes fear that they just have stolen the photo from someone else and advertised it as their own (what I’m trying to say is, all the ultra sound photos look the same! No offence or anything but I genuinely got worried that a baby had 3 mums and no dad, as they posted similar photos all in unison). Either that is their baby or they have gone for the ultra “retro photo” of themselves. Congratulations to all new mums by the way!

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, which is why ugly people usually wear eyepatches. Just made that up! It’s astonishing to see how people have transformed and fluctuated there sense of style, weight and beliefs. I have recently discovered changes in myself, not just from the height difference (I never said the noticeable changes wouldn’t be subtle *Sad face*). I recently watched something that broke my heart a little bit, I re-watched Jurassic Park Lost World, didn’t enjoy it that much.

Summary

For all the things I hate Facebook for, this is not one of them. I find it intriguing to see people become who they’ve always wanted to be, too live out there dreams as the person they have always wished to live there lives as. The years to which I will live out are more defining then any of the other years previous. The expectations, the dreams, the surprises, all will probably be revealed on Facebook and I will probably roll my eyes and sigh at most of the moany ones, even my own.

One thing I love is the fact that the word processor I was using on my Nan’s computer didn’t like the word blog. Yet on this word processor at my home, it’s totally fine with blog AND Gryffindor!

Podcast

http://themetaphoricalbeard.podomatic.com/entry/2011-08-17T15_09_58-07_00

Twitter

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Day Twenty-five Happy Go Lucky Goth

Introduction

What an eventful but lovely day it’s been, minus the weather. I had two castings today, one of them I will now be working on next week woop woop, get to meet Derren Brown! The other casting was a strange experience, which will be all explained below along with a little trouble I may have got myself into, enjoy.

Happy Go Lucky Goth

I got the casting yesterday for a thing called Kinkley (trust me, the amount of jokes that had run through my head when I was told could of got me arrested). If I were to get it I’d go to Tel Aviv in Israel for four days. I was a little bit worried about that because of the recent troubles in the vicinity and to calm me down, my brother said “you probably won’t die”, which is not comforting at all! I like my chances of dying to be so low that it won’t even be a respectable probability, not to mention I’d be dressed as a Goth if I get it, so that’ll really go down well with the locals.

After that I calmed myself down and I was kind of up for going there and doing it, except in the email it said that I had to dress like a Goth and wear as much make up as I can. So I put on my blue jeans white tshirt and for the Goth aspect of my clothing, a leather jacket? Now on hine sight, that’s not Goth at all but I had another casting an hour later so it had to do. I get there; they all look similar to me so it made me think maybe this won’t be a waste of time. I get into the casting and she well, she wasn’t happy. Anyway, I get out and see these 6ft 2 Mohican wearing tattoo and big boot stamping Goths. If they were my competition, I think I stand a pretty good chance…

There really isn’t anything Gothic about me, I do look a bit pastey sometimes but that’s because I bathe in paste, sexy paste. But don’t judge me though; I’m just a bit Kinkley.

Stop Laughing at my Disabled Child!

I was walking around Leicester Square after my second casting, slightly bored as I knew I’d have to wait at Euston for my train. I thought I’d do it in a place where people don’t pass wind and then do circles round you, or where I won’t get shouted at for eating Burger King because the company are testing the food on African babies (which surely they'd be grateful for if it was true?).

After a while I started to notice people who had press passes for a local horror film festival, so I played a little game where I just counted how many I saw before I got to the staition, this is when it happened. I had noticed a boy wearing a long jacket, big red scarf with tassels on it and a hunters hat. There was just something about it that I found hilarious and couldn’t help looking incredibly rude as I attempted (and failed) to hold in my laugh. I tried to avoid looking at him as he walked past so I looked into the distance and just starting laughing. Unfortunately that “distance” contained a handicapped child who had dropped his ice cream. When I realised, I felt so bad, and as I walked past them the mother literally peered into my soul. I wanted to apologise but I reckoned that if she actually didn’t notice my mistake then it would look a whole lot worse if I went up to her and said “sorry I wasn’t laughing at your handicapped daughter struggling to pick up her ice cream off the floor, I was laughing at a boy with a funny hat”.

Summary

Maintaining a perfect thing is always hard to do, which is why I really wrench myself about when I feel as if something isn’t adequate. I tend to react quite badly inside if a casting hasn’t gone right or a blog isn’t up to the hardships I had previously put myself in to get it right the day before. I just hope that the ones that I feel aren’t adequate in my eyes are up to par in others, the same with everything else. I really do rip myself a new one if I feel as if I haven’t done as well as I could or should. So on that note I bid you a due and I hope everything is going well for you, just you, you saucy bugger. 

Podcast

http://themetaphoricalbeard.podomatic.com/entry/2011-08-17T15_09_58-07_00

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Day Twenty-Two Television Centre and the Constant Theme of Wee

Introduction

Again I think I’m going to start it off by saying I’m incredibly tired and ill. It’s definitely a running theme in my blogs and I wouldn’t be surprised if people could tell when I was at my most tired as the content wears thin (minus yesterday, I just couldn’t think of anything good to say at all!).

Call it a Diary

I had a casting at the BBC Television Centre today. Every time I go there I always feel a sense of importance. Just knowing who has been inside it makes me have an overwhelming feeling of worth (a bit like teabagging an oscar, or something similar of course). I had a pretentious idea that I should walk in and out of the building with a smug (but undeserving) face for the next three hours so passersby thought I was famous. I didn’t though, because I don’t think anyone would see the funny side and well I’d look like a bit of a dick head walking out then a minute later walking back in and repeating (although I am giggling a little bit at the thought because I’m a sad tired ill man). I tend to get really bored waiting for my scenes so I usually create things I should do. It reminds me of a story that Zack Galifianakis told on The Nerdist podcast. While he was in a film called Below, he would have quite a few days off and the production would give him money to spend on food. He was hanging about at night in Trafalgar Square, bored. So he would go to random strangers, trying to pay them 50 quid to look at the moon with him.

Train Piss

Journey back on the train to Euston from White City always has a long winded feeling even though it’s only about six stops. At one point of the journey on this cramped rush hour train, I had a couple in my personal space as they were all up in each others grill, which I could deal with. What I couldn’t deal with is that this particular couple both smelt like piss and sweat. As disturbed as I was, I kind of admired the fact that both of them definitely smelt like it, not just one of them. They were one piss smelling entity.

Turn that Smell Down!

I managed to get pasta at marks and sparks in Euston before rushing to my train. I sat down and looked at my pasta in excitement as I had not eaten for a few hours and it was my opportunity to show this pasta whose boss. As soon as I opened it, some guy standing up walked past me and yelled “turn that smell down!”. I was initially confused and a little scared so I just said “sorry ok will do” as he pressed the button to first class and left. I couldn’t think of anything clever to say, in fact I can’t think of anything clever to say towards it now. It was just so random and I don’t think he really knew what he said, he only knew how he felt, that my pasta was fucking stinky, and it was, there was no denying it. Kind of makes me think that something really must of pissed him off and my pasta tipped him over the edge.

Summary

If you know me then you’d know I’m not a huge clubbing fan. So when I find an album with pictures of a local club doing a wet tshirt competition, I was a bit jubilant. As I went through it, I noticed all the girls were drunk and they all were victims of terribly timed photographs (quite a few of them look like they’ve been asked to do there best elephant man being slapped in the face with a wet fish look), also there is a photo of a naked man, within this photograph you can see the floor of where they are doing the wet tshirt competition, is all yellow. Nothing more sexy then drunken women dancing and prancing about in wee. This blog has the most mention of urine in it, which really pisses me off.

Here’s the link of what I’m talking about, I didn’t put the photo up as I don’t want to inflict it on anyone, just click on it and look at the water. But it really does sum up why i don't go clubbing, let alone in Watford.

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=190908887640807&set=a.190901394308223.49041.100001650908148&type=1&theater

Day Seventeen- Congrats to Everyone, Now Suffer with Big Brother!

Introduction

By the looks of things on facebook, it seems as though everyone has got what they wanted from their A level results, whish is good. I enjoy the idea of all my friends abandoning me to go university (priorities that’s all I’m saying). Very happy that pretty much all of you got B and above, never mind if you didn’t. You can do what I’m doing at the moment, waiting hours upon hours for photos to upload only to find about 7 hours it’s only done 100photos out of 250. To be honest, there isn’t much point doing a blog for today because about 95% of my audience are probably out celebrating or they’ve got university acceptance ego (to which resorts in the victim having a feeling of worthiness over anything that requires reading, you swines!). Honestly though, congratulations on your big win and I hope you pick up a few more 3 pointers during the time you are at university (avoid and stds though, they might be slightly distracting during lectures!). Very happy for you all and I hope you get into the universities you wanted to get into!

Big Brother

Big Brother is back, unfortunately. I’ve never really liked it because it’s kind of addictive and just trashy television. The people on it will probably make me angry, I say probably because I don’t actually know who most of them are except the girl who was in scrubs and Kerry Katona (unfortunately again). I’m really sensing I’m going to have to try really hard to avoid it! Although, I say I’m going to get angry, just watching Daniel swear is kind of making me think I might not be as distressed as others (“he just said it’s going to make him rip his cock off” so little worried). I say all this but I probably will end up watching it, with subtitles of course.

Summary

Just got a few texts saying they saw me on the freederm advert during the Big Brother break, yeah cheers for recognising me in that but not in the actual freederm idents for big brother last year! Here, this is what you might of missed out on. It was a lot of fun actually, killed my knee though, ah good times! Again, congratulations to all for today!

Day Sixteen- 2nd Podcast (Solero Sweary Rappers Delight)

Podcast

UUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHH UUUUUUUHHHHHHHH. Listen to the podcast and you will get what sound I’m actually making. In this podcast:

Solero referencing

Categories game

Ultimate sweary mary bleepy festy

Loser Raps

I Rap about Cheese

Week in Blog

Ridiculously proud of this podcast, no doubt the funniest one I’ve ever been apart of (don’t know about Daniel, you know what he’s like the podcast prostitute).

Really do watch out for the ultimate swear fest (about 20minutes in) I do and even the rap to which I made the content in 10minutes (its 30minutes into the podcast).

I hope you enjoy it as much as we did!

Oh and I hope people waiting for their a level results get what they want tomorrow, in the results way and whatever rewards they get for doing well.

http://themetaphoricalbeard.podomatic.com/entry/2011-08-17T15_09_58-07_00

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Day Fifteen- Casting Realisation and the Reebok Facehugger Situation

Introduction

God damn it, I am so tired! The fact that I have insomnia probably isn’t helping the situation but I mean come on!! My casting today was in Gunnersbury which is near Richmond so it was quite a journey. Also I was being an idiot because I decided to go from Bushey to Harrow and Wealdstone station only to get the same train I could of got from Bushey. If you’ve ever witnessed a man lose an argument to himself, then you really missed out on this opportunity. Telling yourself “I told you so” really isn’t as effective as telling someone else. Anyway, I get to the casting and something happened that I have never been apart of before.

Casting Today

Usually I’m the youngest looking, the youngest in age and the smallest, but not this time. They looked my age or older, there was one girl who looked about 26 except, she was turning 16 in a month? I turn to the other guys I was doing the script with to say how stunned I was, it turned out they were 14 and 16! It was like going to a club with a girl only to find out everyone there were made out of marzipan (or something to that description... Stop looking at me like that! You know what I mean't). To add salt to the sack, I recognised the producer, I had worked with him on a Disney xD show about two years ago, so I say “hello haven’t seen you in ages”, the other two said “oh you guys know each other” to which the casting director says “Sean’s been around for a long time”(possibly a sexual joke to which ironically I was to young to understand, that and probably because I clean my mind at Disney castings from the usual dirty abyss stained carcass my mind seems to live off of). It made me laugh but I kind of felt like the old dude in the situation, like I’m Tim Westwood surrounded by all these aspiring (werthers original) rappers, except this time i was going for the same job as them. It was really surreal, one I didn’t cry over as I took it all in as a new experience. One I think I’m going to have to get used to as I’m not getting any older looking (till that beard fires it self out like a self projected bar of soap from a man with lubed hands)

It’s not the weirdest experience I’ve had at a casting, weirdest was for a Reebok commercial where I had to make out with a girl (which was weird enough because i thought a girl was a certain type of bread…). I was making myself ready for a normal actors make out sesh involving no tongue but it didn’t really work out as I thought it would… She literally ate my face (I had to wipe lipstick off my ears, that’s how wrong it was). You aren’t suppose to feel tongue but it was pretty much inevitable. I felt it on my cheek and she wasn’t aiming to do that, she just had her mouth so wide open that it seemed to jump out at the opportunity to escape the dreaded teeth infested cave. It was honestly like a face hugger scene from Alien.

Literally it pretty much felt like this

Summary

I think I’ve done OK in my career so far, although I really want to do much better and I want to be working more. The wait kills me and my patience fluctuates so drastically that I’ll be ok with waiting for a casting one day and another I’ll be tearing my hair out (which makes it all the more poignant when I turn up to a casting looking like I only get let out once a month). I do seem to get less excited then others when I get things though, it’s probably because I’m very English, Although saying that, I get really excited when other people have good news from the acting (or anything) front, people are awesome, especially my friends and they deserve every little good thing that happens to them, they’ve been super supportive for me and they deserve the same back cause they are lovely lovely ladies and gentlemanz.

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Day Twelve- Dan's First Blog and a Summary by Moi

Introduction
Hello lovely readers/listeners of The Meta(phorical) Beard blog/podcast! I am called by many names (not just a Mighty Boosh Shaman reference, I actually am known by a few) Dan/Daniel/Roo/Reuben/Dandan/Rooroo/Oi/. I be Sean’s brother who appeared on the podcast with him, if you didn't listen to the podcast then hi *waves*. This probably wont be long or that interesting or to be honest, content ridden. But! What it will be is maybe something about something and most probably just a set of rambly rambles at the momento.

Oh look a Blog...
I’ve been trying to write something for a day in the blog for many many days. I started with a few different ideas, different subjects, different moods, but nothing has really kept my attention longer than 10 mins (and the same will probably happen right now while writing this). The problem with me writing about a subject or an opinion about something is that once I’ve written it, I read it back and think ‘huh yea it wasn't a really big deal’ or something in that floaty A.D.H.D manner and oh look a butterfly...

Picture this right...
So, I’ll probably start doing a quick small illustration for each of Sean’s blogs if i get the time and if they provide me with the mental imagery, so watch out for those slowly being posted. Also we’ll hopefully be doing another podcast soon, it might be the Sunday this time instead of the Saturday so if you liked the first one then you’re in luck, if you didn't then why not? Kidding. We also have some audio that is pretty freaky that I won’t reveal now but while editing we were shocked to find that we may have angered the spirits, so listen in to hear that as we did edit it out to save it for the next podcast but its spo0o0o0o0oky!
As usual we will discuss and round up the blogs from the week before, hopefully we will be cutting down the amount of ridiculous segways (which i can only apologize for and apologize to the people who were confused to why we kept mentioning a 2 wheel vehicle).  I’m going to compile little things throughout the last podcast and Seanisms from everyday life to attack him with for revenge for the winding up I took last time (and yes I was bitten by the dog next door and yes it was horrible and I was scared of dogs for a while, thank you Sean for bringing it up in a comedy sense)

Summary (By Sean)
No problem Dan! I really appreciate my brother covering my arse with this blog, even though it’s a day late. I’ve had a really busy few days doing photography and causing a bit of mischief here and there. I did my stuff at Oliver with Act Now which was a really good show and the afterparty was fun and eventful. I of course managed to offend at least one person *fist pump*. I’ll probably do a blog for that night because it was just quite nuts!

Anyway, big props to Daniel for doing this blog, the man’s a god among lesbian spiders (the liquorish maverick). Day 13 will be posted tomorrow along with day 14 after a few hours that’ll hopefully contain the podcast. The reason why I’m not releasing today’s blog is due to the fact that I just got home and I’m off to watch a few of my lovely friends in a showcase within the next hour or two. Mainly going to watch the improvisation to which I am a huge fan of so, looking forward to that!

Big shout out to all those in the Act Now show for Oliver, I usually hate that musical but it was really well done and definitely something to be proud of. Before the show I taught all the kids (about 5 to 10 year olds) to walk like dinosaurs, and then named them my dinosaur army. They then came up to me while I worked in the wings to say they are doing the performance for the dinosaurs. Never really realised how much power I had, so now that I know! Beware society, you have a new thing to fear (other then steroid addicted Superman).

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Day Eleven- Lie Debunking (if the truth hurts, then i'm a masochist)

Introduction

11 days in now! It is going well, readers have quadrupled since day 5 which is awesome, people are starting to want to get involved and I apparently have fans? Haven’t really decided to what I’m going to talk about so hopefully it will come to me in the next sentence or two. I honestly wouldn’t mind throwing in some more stuff about people who over exaggerate because it really gets to me, but I think I’m going to go with something on par with that (similar in fact). This topic will be covering, lie spreading gossipy bastards.

Oh, Did You Know He Likes Me?

Heard a lovely bit of bullshit last week, it was so good that I had to mock it. Last year a friend of mine had a girlfriend, I attempted to get to know her by speaking to her, which I think that’s how it works, right? She wasn’t for sale and there was no attributes like it’s a RPG game (she’d have 15 on spirit and 3000 on dick). So I thought (like the obvious maverick I am) talking to her would be a way of getting to know her as she was now my best friends girlfriend.

It gets to January and because I was in BTEC Nat Dip in performing arts, we had a show. This show would be a showcase created by the teacher; in the name of my class (another blog will cover that soon, something involving a barrage of insults by a teacher followed by a well written formal complaint). In this showcase I was doing a recurring role as Derek the famous French presenter. It was obvious throughout the show that Derek was a little strange. An example of this was when my character was introduced to co-host with the puppet presenters (it was a strange showcase). In this scene I could only speak French, then I would start to unbutton my shirt and rub my nipple (luckily for the audience, the music guy didn’t turn on the music which was the cue for me to stop, so I was stuck standing there for an extra minute or two rubbing my nipple and pointing at the prettiest girl I could find). I will go on more about that absolutely nuts showcase but I’ll save it for another blog. Long story short, the climax (hehe hehe he said climax) for Derek was for me to do an over elaborate and silly strip to my own remix of “I’m too sexy” “Leave your hat on” and the Austin Powers theme music. It went down really well (luckily) and I wasn’t attacked by a friend’s dad who she said was severely homophobic (he had a smile on his face during, closet case? Kidding).

Anyway, here’s the lie. This girl then tells her friends that I like her (in the nudge nudge wink wink way for the older readers). The explanation for her blatant lie was that I keep speaking to her? According to her, I said I liked her more then I liked my own girlfriend and that I never leave her alone (as if to say, god this one time stripper keeps bothering me). The friend who told me was like, “I thought you knew?” No! Course I didn’t! Did I ever say I like her more compared to my girlfriend? No, no I did not. Did I show any sign that I like her in any way other then my best friend’s girlfriend? No, no I did not! That I’d never leave her alone?! Sorry I didn’t mean for my “I like having conversations with people” attitude to be a huge let on that I fancy you (better warn my brother that I obviously fancy him and I want to break his back mountain before I strike up another conversation, Which in turn could end up as a conversation so I better send my owl instead. Thanks for ruining my home life!). Also as I remember, I spoke to her about once a week on facebook and I spoke to her when I saw her because I’m not an arse hole (am I going to go with the obvious line and say “like her?”. Yes, yes I am) like her.

Just for future reference here guys, if you have a sneaking suspicion that I like you in that way, I’d prefer you to just ask me, not say I do then make up even more bull to back up your sudden lie.

But if you think that story was pretty funky, then here’s a short but sweet one (like a midget made of lollypops).

Yes Cause That’s What I Do

I was seeing a girl during my Harlem Globetrotter days (no clue why I wrote that). While I was seeing her, we went to a house party. I drank about the same amount of alcohol that I’d probably drink over the night in the space of 40minutes. So I went into my mates dads bed and lied down (the dad wasn’t there, unfortunately), she came in and we attempted to “mac”. Either way, I could hardly move because I was kind of comatose by the amount of alcohol I drank. Luckily for me and my somewhat dark and disturbing habit of liking to breathe, she got off me. Why did she get off me? Fights outside, god I love house parties. Then for the next hour or so I spent lying in the bed while people spoke to me, was quite a nice experience in the end.

Few weeks pass, me and her end our little thingy and go on our merry way (there is a long story to this but I can’t be asked to talk about it right now). I then find out eventually she has been telling people, including two of my best mates, that the reason why we broke up is because I was incredibly forceful on the night I just described to you. “Forceful?” I hear you say! Yes, forceful, because I apparently tried to make her give me head (I apologise for anyone who finds that inappropriate, I did as well when I found out, so we’re on the same page). Now if any of you readers know me, then you’d know there is nothing forceful about me. I either casually mod dance a suggestion in or I just leave it all together. Neither am I a “rapey” drunk as I have been drunk before and have never attempted anything like that. Maybe it was the oxygen deprivation she caused but that would only add to me being even weaker then my original state so. It was a big fat lie, a big fat arse faced lie. Then when I reached second year of BTEC, she then decided to tell everyone in the first year as well. Which I didn’t really care about because the important people (my best mates) knew it was a lie, but I did get bored of having to say how much bullshit it was when I was asked about it (which would follow after them saying, “oh your that Sean?!”). So no, I didn’t try to force her to give me head because I’m not that like that, I try and strive to be a gentleman at all times and have never ever forced anyone to do anything of the sort (not even Santa after he gave me a Pokémon card holder two years ago, the not up to date prick). Along with that, she had braces on at the time ( so go and grate a sausage using the cheese grater so you can understand my shiver causing imagery for yourselves, sponsored by Art Attack: Falice Addition).

The Victims of my Blog

If the liars are actually reading this blog, thank you for reading it! If you two people are outraged by what I’ve said about you then let this be a lesson, stop trailing your bullshit like you’re a turd slug and start telling the truth. I’ve only said your lie and my blatant feelings for them. Was that bitchy? I feel as if it sounds bitchy, I was hoping it would sound generalised but blunt. This has been a long one (it’s to easy to do, sorry all), hope you all enjoyed it and it debunked a few lies about me.

Summary

Honestly, I could copy and paste exactly what I said about over exaggeration to this cause the same still applies. You want to seem a whole lot more interesting then you are right? Some people just aren’t interesting until they do something interesting, or they ignite a passion within them that those who are interested in the same as you will see that flame and be drawn to it like a moth. You don’t like a person so you spread a lie about them? Then you are a terrible person, even more terrible then the person you hate. Yeah there are some terrible people in this world, but it doesn’t mean sinking to there level so you can show how bad they are. Throw facts out there and make people realise for themselves. I admit, I white lie when necessary, but they are tiny and to avoid hurt feelings. If you tell a lie to hurt or maim someone then what comes around goes around and you will get your come uppings, whether you like it or not, can I get an amen!?

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Day Nine- Over Exaggeration

Introduction
Stories are the lives led, told by many. In a way it really is an inevitability to hear a story about a gig getting out of hand or a break up between two people having different stories. An example, Rhys Ifans was recently arrested at comic-con because he allegedly pushed a female security guard. One site went with, he pushed her because she wasn’t letting a member of his party in, another, and I’m not naming names (it rhymes with Da Bum) said he punched her, and I remember reading one saying “Rhy’s Ifans batters security guard because he hates America”. Some say that’s just a different side of the story, I just say you got to take what quite a lot of people say with a skip full of salt these days. This is due to the rising level of intolerance for boredom and the desire for excitement. Don’t believe me, look at the levels the media scoop down to too get what is led to believe as exciting news. As much I do love a bit of side boob, I really do not want to see it on a wedding photo of a celebrity, no matter how drunk he looks. And neither am I going to be able to admire that side boob on his voicemail!


Before you get your pants in a twist or you loosen the belt wrapped around your sock, of course people back in the day used to over exaggerate, Christopher Columbus only went to Swansea! What I’m trying to say is, over exaggeration is becoming the forefront of life because people are surrounded by so many stories of success and tragedy. Envy is bound to poke its hideous spot filled face. So much so that these people feel they want similar success and in quite a lot of cases, the tragedy!


Exaggeration in Facebook *face palm* (contains the explanation to GFY acronym)
The amount of people I’ve had to not only hide posts on facebook but also delete them (from life mwahaha) is ridiculous. All because of there incessant attention-seekingly overexaggerated posts. I have lists of examples, all of them tragedy because they are the most annoying, posted all over facebook. I’m not complaining if you posted a status because you are upset and it’s the only way you can get your voice heard, fair enough, I understand that. But if you mould the truth to make it seem a whole lot bigger and worse so the opposing person looks like an arse face and you get all the sympathy/attention because you’ve made it seem you’re the victim, go f*ck yourself. (To be honest, if you do actually manage to f*ck yourself, then you might actually have a good facebook status to put).

I’m bored of the typical shit like “OMG ALL MEN ARE THE SAME I CANT BELIVE HE DID THAT”. No Amy, not all men are the same, some of them have vaginas as well. In Spain they are called “solo pero afortunado” which means alone but lucky (innovators of the GFY crew).

“JUST GAVE MANAGERIAL TIPS TO KENNY DAGLISH, HE SHOOK MY HAND” No Kevin, you work at tk Max and you’ve never left Edgware, sit down. Anyway enough on facebook, I’ll leave that to another blog seeing as though I’ve got x amount to do over the coming weeks.

Understanding a problem but fear of ridicule
Over exaggeration is comprehensible if you want people to understand a problem, but you don’t want to be ridiculed for your sensitivity towards the matter. But I truly do believe it’s a downward spiral.



Close to the knuckle count down (they get more serious and dark the higher the number)

ONE: the more you over exaggerate the more you start to believe the situation is worse then it seems. If you constantly tell yourself “OMG I’m never going to see my friends again cause they live so far away and they hate me and a few of them are going to Jurassic Park” then you will start to believe it and it will get you down. Also, if you start complaining about something similar to a friend, then a week later your friend finds out that you’re seeing your pals on Friday because Jurassic Park wasn’t actually as far away as you made yourself believe, then they are going to start getting tired of your shit. Especially if the friend has spent an hour chatting to you saying “ don’t be sad, I’m sure you will see them soon”, not that I’m speaking from personal experience.


TWO: People who here the actual truth, followed with hard proof of the situation you have over exaggerated, will start calling you a liar liar pants on fire, or a variation involving swear words. Or sign language if your hearing impaired and they are very dedicated to getting there point across.



THREE: You want a good story that won’t bite you in the anoose? Tell a truthful and realistic one. Yeah you could tell an over exaggerated story that involves explosions, drugs, the police and nipples (or whatever variation) and yeah people might actually be interested in your self-convinced “eventful life”. But are they interested in you? Hell no, they are interested in the brand your creating of yourself. If they then go out with you expecting a Skins meets Harry Potter and Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas kind of night, only to find out you can’t drink alcohol, you’re inadequate with a wand and you can’t have an extra slice of space cake because your mum is scared that you will gain diabetes, they’ll possibly be slightly disappointed.


FOUR: Be you, who really cares if you’re boring or you’re not crazy or you can’t beat a friends story to impress or garner there love and attention. Isn’t the fact that you’re alive enough? Isn’t the beauty of capability, whether it be small or large, enough? Yeah I understand a story consisting of I breathed in then I breathed out” might not thrill you. But don’t twist that story into “I breathed in, then my suicidal tendencies to which I have gained because a friend of mine garnered so much attention from her attempt kicked in, then I fainted and through the powers to which my cheating ex couldn’t understand, even though he left me because of my whoreish behaviour, jumped in and miraculously, I breathed out”. First of all, you don’t even have a friend who attempted anything of the sort so stop telling yourself that you sick bizarre puppy! And if you faint because you held your breathe in for so long, it shows that you’re an idiot and the fantastic power of instinct jumped in. Who the hell needs the friends that will come with over-exaggeration, they are empty vessels that you will eventually become, with the more lies you cocoon yourself in to stay away from the crushing reality that monotony is part of life. Even Hayley Williams or Samuel L Jackson have dull days!




Summary
Tragedy is nothing to want, it’s a destroyer of man. If you’re over exaggeration is a cover up for your insecurity, because you don’t think you have amounted to anything. Then go and amount to something instead of making people think you have. You won’t believe what you are capable of, with a little bit of drive and perseverance.


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Day Seven- Microsoft at the Wrong Time, Word

Introduction

So I’m quarter of the way through!I’ve enjoyed it more then I thought I would, which is always a nice thing to happen. But, the more I use Microsoft word, the more I realise it really is as stupid as some people say. No wonder the paper clip guy has been in rehab so many times! It does the green line under a sentence and then its suggestion would make it look like it was my first attempt at the English language. If you are too young to remember the paperclip then you’re not welcome on my blog (not kidding! OK I’m kidding). Although, I have had loads of instances of when my spelling of a word has been so bad that Word can’t even think of any examples to what I was attempting to spell.

What Makes blogs Irritating

I think the title goes with writing in general on a computer (if you have seen my actual writing with a pen, you’d understand why I use a computer).

Having mental block on a deadline is really annoying, I’ve been trying to fire these out between a 5-7 window but that hasn’t worked at all.

Having conflicting ideas and trying to avoid causing outrage is another thing that I hate, especially when you have writing block. I literally just had to get rid of doing a blog about riots because I tried to understand it from all angles, but having that approach really punts you in the Perineum. I’m all up for a bit of a challenge, but not one that makes me as angry as some of the rioters. Also if I wasn’t annoyed enough from writing a page and a half of conflicting views only to realise that it’s better off forgetting about it, Microsoft word  then decides to delete letters that are in front of a word I’m trying to retype. So this is going to be a bit of a short blog to avoid me dropkicking my laptop out of a window. It keeps coming and going as well which makes me think “oh yay now I can actually edit my mistakes without losing everything” only to then do it blindly and not realise that I’ve lost about three sentences from a séance type ramble. I’m not even going to risk inserting bracket jokes because if it happens again then I’m going to punch a whale in the urethra.

Don’t want to write, so let’s do a Podcast

Don’t get me wrong, I loved doing the podcast yesterday, it was a ton of fun and it gave an opportunity for my brother to showcase his speaking talent some more (even though about 50minutes of it was me). A reason for doing it was that I didn’t want to write because sometimes it takes ages, completely forgetting how long it takes for a podcast to be done properly! The podcast was 1h 5minutes long, I then had to listen to

it two more times to edit it down and get rid of the truly offensive parts. I then spent an hour and a half setting up a profile on a hosting side and scratching my eyes out with a mars bar because of the hubbub caused from the offer of having it available on itunes, to which I still haven’t sorted! All in all, I started the podcast at 2pm and finished (minus the itunes) at 11:30pm.

Summary

Microsoft Word, GFY. Oh and you see that new illustration for my blog? It was done by Daniel, how fantastic is it! I actually thought about how sexy my blogspot site is looking, very happy! It’s all coming together!

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Day Six- First Podcast (Very Very Proud)

Introduction
Ridiculously proud, really really am! I've always wanted to get back into doing podcasts but had lost the nerve to do it. But now thanks to this blog, i've grown in confidence a little more and have managed to do a 1h podcast with Daniel. Anyway, enough of the talking, the podcast can be located below, thank you so much and enjoy. Also because of its length, i suggest you take breaks in between or if you do manage to listen to it in one sitting, well done! I didn't (I did, three times for editing purposes!)

Will be available on Itunes tomorrow! Hopefully

Podcast!
http://themetaphoricalbeard.podomatic.com/entry/2011-08-06T13_18_57-07_00

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Day Five- Zombie Apocapricks

Introduction

I have no idea what I’m going to write about today. That’s the problem with saving up ideas, it’s a bit like saving up beans for the apocalypse in the sense that I wouldn’t mind having the beans now. And on that note, I think I’ve just found a topic, ikea. I mean, zombies.

Stop Wishing for it, Start Preparing for it

It’s kind of funny listening to people talk about how much they want a zombie apocalypse. Have we really got that boring that they see the best way to live life is for everyone else to be brain dead zombies (or has that already happened? Eat that society, eat that in the shins…Don’t actually think that, just in case people start presuming, got I hate people who live on presumptions, tossers. As much as I quite like being alone for some thinking time and recharging, I tend to really miss people within a few days. I’d probably have to tie up a few of my favourite friends in the basement, oh and also if they were zombies as well… Although if they were zombies I doubt I’d get the full satisfaction that is their magnificent words (I would of said banter, but arse holes seem to of ruined that word by claiming it as an excuse to be a tosser. Tosser is my new favourite word by the way. It has a ring to it).

The idea of killing zombies with a spade would probably be kind of cool and you get to do what you want within the world. Well I used to think that, till I started reading The Road by Cormac Mccarthy. Wow is that a heavy book. It’s not necessarily got zombies in it and I don’t want to ruin it for anyone (even though it did ruin the idea of zombie apocalypses for me so it would deserve it). Without ruining it for anyone, it’s about a man and a boy trying to cope in a post apocalyptic society. It really does highlight the crushing reality that would be life without things we take for granted, like Soleros and Capri sun. But knowing that, I’m going to still have fun quick and tell all you lucky three people about my zombie plan!

Weapon: Edward Scissor Hands hands? And a sniper, no bullets though. I probably wouldn’t use both of them at the same time, it’d be a little bit difficult.

Place: Would have to be Costco! I’d live for about 30 years in there, enough time to grow a beard anyway.

Plan: I’d save people but I’d definitely be the guy to shoot the recently infected ones, sorry but I’m not risking it! Then if there were millions of zombies, I’d destroy myself in a contained explosion (concocted from the stacks of dynamite made available in Costco) to save people, that’s quite heroic right? Either that or if there was only 3 seats in the escape car, I’d sit on the weakest one. Not to save myself but to save my wonderful beard to which would then be found to be the cure to the zombie outbreak.

Summary

Hey Zombie! GFY! Also, I may have caused a little bit of an issue with the blog yesterday, so there could be a video with me talking about similar issues to certain people in the near future. I’m not going to apologise though, I’m way too good at guitar hero for that.

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Day Four- Ignorant/Narrow Minded People (It does get a little serious)

Introduction

I think you truly have lost a part of your soul if you find yourself shouting at your computer because of someone’s narrow minded/ignorant perspective. Deep I know. But, anyone who connects David and Victoria Beckham’s recent odd choice of baby name (Harper Seven) to “the impending inevitability of illegal immigrants stealing the tax payers job” (their words not mine) has something wrong with them. So, this will be a blog about the narrow minded views shown by the ignorant. The start of comedic gold, right?

Small scale (Crohns disease?! Pfft, Scone’s ma Knees)

I’m going to start small, and I will work my way up (like my wife! Whatever that means, I think I’m saying she’s a dwarf making her way up a step ladder?). An example of this that I know about was a situation involving a friend of mine with the same disease as me (Crohn’s Disease, ladies form a cue). He was asked "what is Crohn’s Disease?" He tries to answer but a person (we will call her a willy) said “It’s just when you shit a lot” (and she wasn’t joking, I would of let her off is she was). Now don’t get me wrong, it is part of it that many are inflicted with, but there is so much more to it then that. Crohn’s Disease is the inflammation of the bow. It can cause severe pain, make you have some of your intestines cut out and replaced with a colostomy bag and enhances the chances of getting other things too depressing to mention. Not a fun disease. The person she said it to, has it so much worse then me, the poor bloke has to get ion infusions and injects’ himself every two weeks along with being on pills. What she said was ignorant, to dismiss a disease with just a single belief of her own because of her (un)education on the matter. But this is a smaller scale example, not anything worth getting upset about.

I understand that people may not know a lot about Crohns Disease, and I will be doing a blog about it and my experience with coping and that one day.

Larger Scale (Obamainator baby)

An example of this in a larger scale (it truly is about 100x as worse as saying “you just shit a lot”). During the 2008 presidential campaign involving Barack Obama and John Mccain, a number of interviews took place at a rally for the Republican Party. A news team went over and asked members of the rally to why they oppose Obama, I’m not going to say what they said, but I will put the link below. Watch it..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zRqcfqiXCX0

Now, that is narrow minded on a big scale. Fair enough if you understand the other side but you prefer playing for the other team, that’s fine. I’m all up for free will and democracy. But being fed lies that only take a little bit of common sense to realise that they might be wrong, or they might have been a victim of Chinese whispers, that’s not OK. The passion to which they spoke their preposterous and slanderous thoughts is worrying. To think Sarah Palin could gain any power from the 2012 election or anyone with a similar viewpoint because of these people is alarming. The same as any ill educated arse chief who wants' there views heard could then herd up a collection of other ill educated sheep and cause mischief in any country. Also, the name of the youtube video really does say misconception, but hey! Misconception has the word concept in it, concept being an idea, which in turn is a theory! Let’s go with this theory, and keep it a theory! We don’t want the disgusting omnipotence of fact creeping into our minds!

It’s these things that get me down. But I genuinely believe these “free-will hating freedom fighters” are a minority in most civilised countries. There are plenty of over cases that I could discuss and might do over the month, but I just thought I’d choose something old and incredibly obvious to avoid writing millions of words.

Also on a lighter note, Sarah Palin really does show the power of being a pretty woman doesn’t she? If she was a man and revealed she shot bears in Alaska and named her son Track because she likes running, you’d think she was a bit of a nutter. There is another video where people turned up to her book signing, they were then asked opinions on her. They were great with the adjectives but not on her actual policies. Infact, it kind of made it seem they had no clue what they were talking about when it came to the actual important stuff, but hey, that's just my opinion. Link is down below.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=27QTX46XNLM&feature=related

Also, doesn’t the guy who says Obama is a wolf wearing the jacket of a sheep and the shoes of a rapist look a lot like Eli from There Will be Blood?!

Summary

I understand if people would rather stay ignorant because they are scared of what would happen if they open there eyes. I do that on a small scale when the light reflects on my cup of water and I see dust and hair in it, I just deny its existence and drink it. But sometimes you got to step out of your comfort zone and really learn about what’s on the other side. Try to acknowledge that you’re actually drinking from a very dirty cup. Draw your own painting instead of getting someone else’s tattooed, it’s so much easier to edit that way.

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Day Three- Top Five Small but Irritating Things

Introduction

Had a few good things said about my blogs so far! No doubt the highlight being “yesterday’s blog made me horny”. If I could get a few more reviews like that, then I think I’d be very happy. Now that we got the positive out the way, what a terrible day it’s been. Not a terrible, “god people are bastards and the worlds against me” kind of way, but more of a collection of small things kind of terrible. I woke up bitten like I’ve joined an orgy, then found out everyone there is a cannibal. I managed to bite my lip twice in the same place (not as easy as my huge lips would make you think). My internet keeps going down (make your own joke here). Lastly, I stubbed my toe and the pain just won’t go away! So this blog will be all about, mildly tiny, irritating things (like your penis).

The Top Five Small but still Irritating Things:

Five: Junk Mail. I think that’s pretty much with everyone. The amount of penis enlargement emails I get is starting to make me feel insecure. Especially seeing as though they are being sent by my ex (they aren’t, trust me…She has no internet where she is *sharp violin sound*. That place being home, her internet provider is horrible).

Four:  Treading on lego or turned up plug sockets. No explanation to why because well, I think we all know why.

Three: People who point a lot. I know that’s really strange but I just, can’t stand it. If it’s necessary for you to point, maybe you’re giving a direction, that’s fine. But if you’re mid conversation and you point at the person! Three or four times in the space of half an hour is fine, but if you do it for emphasis after every sentence, GFY.

Two: White women, Kidding. People who misuse the word “irony”. I have found that the new hipster thing to do is to be witty and ironic. I haven’t put hipsters because I enjoy it when they try to be witty, it makes me laugh, not in the way they wanted, but it’s still funny. I genuinely read a facebook status (my favourite place to go for bullshit) “Just ate a snickers bar, irony!”, it wasn’t a joke, it was genuine, and people liked it. The only way that would be ironic is if that snickers bar was trying to eat you!

One: When people take photos of there reflection in the bathroom of a club. There is just something really shitty about that… I actually played a game with a friend where we chose an album and guessed how many toilet photos there will be, and you get double points if they are doing the popular girl pose (so many points). There are probably loads of photos where you have just taken a number 1 or 2, hell there are photos of people taking a number 1 or 2. But, I’d rather not be able to confirm it, I like a mystery, especially one that I’m not involved in.

Summary

If one day, I get a junk email that contains a photo of a collection of girls pointing at each other while talking in a toilet with the subject title: “irony”. I’d probably go on a rampage. Then during that rampage I tread on a turned up plug socket, I will give up on the world.

Off topic quickly

I love sooty. Finding out he put Paul Daniel in the hospital for throwing a pizza at his face just makes me all warm inside. Not that I hate Paul Daniel, I just love Sooty that much and love seeing him trend on twitter for another reason other then his court case.

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Day Two- Procrastination and the Inappropriate Joke at Graduation

Introduction

Day 2 and already I’m slightly struggling. Before getting in a panic (well more of a slight sigh then a full blown sweaty “find the keys” panic) about whether the ideas have run dry already, they haven’t. I just don’t want to “blow my load” on the next 7 days then be forced to write about my favourite cheese or how much I find extended eye contact alluring but creepy at the same time. But again that somewhat prejudice died out as well because those topics are probably inevitable. So this blog shall be all about, procrastination.

Procrastination

I’m fantastic at it, even before I wrote this I finished about 40 starburst, even though after about 10 of them I said “this will be the last one, then I will get down to some work”. In-fact, while I’ve written this blog, I’ve taken a few breaks, watched Mock the Week and QI on youtube and thought about playing guitar, then realised it might need some effort. I’m not lazy, I’m just a bit “motivation in-sufficient”. I’d blame it on the insomnia tiring me out but I’ve always been like that depending on the day or task at hand. I’ve found out over the years that I’m terrible at doing what I’m told. I don’t burn the house down then graffiti “shit on the system” in marker pens all over town hall. I just find myself incapable of doing a good job when I have someone I don’t connect with at all breathing down my neck (there’s an incest joke here somewhere).

Verbal assault, in front of an audience.

Although, there was an exception to that in GCSE. I loved my form tutor, she was a lovely lady and taught me French, but I failed really badly at it (got an f, an f for French of course). I liked her so much, that when I was told during graduation that I would have to get on the microphone in front of about 600-900 parents/teachers and say a nice thing about her, I was very much up for it. I watched as uncharismatic (maybe they were doing deadpan style but without jokes) people read from a cue card which was no doubt written by the teacher themselves. They splurted out the most typical, boring (but appropriate no doubt) and recycled stuff about the chosen teacher.  Things like “he is an inspiration”, “she has taught me things I never thought I’d understand” “he helped me get rid of the body by saying I should feed them to pigs”. Made me think, the naughty ones had no hand in thinking of things to say. 

It got to my turn, I lined up as people received there certificates to say they’ve managed to live in Canons High School for 4 years. I was slightly nervous and I debated what I should say. “Should I go with the recycled stuff discussed earlier or shall I just go with, what I just thought of, planned or improvised, planned or improvised”. I went with improvised. So 600-900 people watched me say with relative calm and swagger “Yeah Miss Grainger is a fantastic teacher, and if I was 30 years older, thwa…”. Luckily they all laughed and clapped which was fantastic because if they were silent I’d be on a register of some sort. She wasn’t creeped out either just very red, either from embarrassment or shame that a somewhat presumably sensible student (which was a bit rare in my school) had just proclaimed to the parents of the school that he’d do her if he was 46. Best thing about it was she didn’t hit me, she just said “30 years older?”, not that I’m saying I had a chance, at all. She probably wanted to headbutt me for what I had caused, because she wasn’t very much into being talked about one on one, let alone becoming a victim of verbal sexual assault in front of an audience of 600+.

Summary

Well I guess this is a really good advertisement for my blog, I go to try and talk about a subject as important as procrastination and I side track into a story about being me being a dickhoop. And I changed the teachers name of course! Don’t want to make her anymore embarrassed then she was. But if you were there you’d know the name and the somewhat bewildered looks of some of my class mates! I’ve been saying this for about 3-4 years now, if anyone videoed that and the “talk” Sahil and I did I’d be eternally grateful. My mum tried to video it but she got shakey hand syndrome which was then followed with the thought of “I’m sure Sean would only want to watch the first five minutes of this anyway”. I forgive her though, mums are awesome.

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Day One-Why are you doing this to yourself?

Introduction

The next month will be a very raw and semi-open (hehe hehe he said semi) me. I will be hitting up a range of subjects or just talking about what I’ve been getting up to. I apologise now if you find what I say offensive, content wise or grammar wise.

Why the Meta(phorical) beard?

First things first, welcome, you beautiful people you. I’ll get the obvious questions out the way first, why are you doing this? And why is it called The Meta(phorical) Beard? Well Meta meaning to explain something about something explaining something, an example of this is: Doing an essay about an essay. Then adding phorical to create metaphorical, then adding beard equals: A metaphorical beard. This is simpler, it’s because I like beards, but can’t grow one.

First Reason

The main reason why I’m doing this is because I hate it, very English I know, to do something you hate (insert wife joke here). I can’t stand the idea that people will know me more, as weird as that sounds. Fair enough if the people I adore know a huge amount about me, that’s fine, I love and trust them. But people I don’t really know? GFY. And with this I feel as if I’m losing out on an instinctual human act, the act of relation. Relation being, I relate to that, I agree with you, or I disagree with you but you’re so handsome that I forgive you and still love you for it. It’s a way of reaching out, getting my name about, creating new friendships, new relationships, new people (if you know what I mean). It’s something, an introverted socialite like myself, needs but fears at the same time. It’s a necessity in my line of work as well, no-one has ever hired an actor who never does the things he hates.

Second Reason

Second reason being, I am an opinionated person, but when given an issue to which warrants an opinion, I create one on the spot. So it’s less of an opinion and more an improvised idea. An example of this is: When I was asked, what age were you the happiest? I went with 9, why? Cause the person asking smelt like tobasco sauce and I had a very itchy foot. Looking back at it, what I remember of being 9 kind of sucked. My birthday party was at Wacky Warehouse (blut blut sir). That’s great, but on that day I went down the slide a little bit too fast and torpedoed myself down to the bottom of the ball pit. I don’t know if you’ve ever drowned in a place where you can breathe. Didn’t find it a thrilling adventure (I was going to say, have you ever drowned in a sea of balls but I thought that’d be a bit too inappropriate for my first blog, slow and steady, slow and steady). So this blog is giving me the chance to gain an actual thought-out opinion on stuff. Whether you agree with my opinions or not is fine, just don’t smell like tobasco sauce. Don’t be that guy.

Self-indulgent Sparta kick

Over the course of the month prior, I’ve relayed the idea to a few friends, there worse idea was the following: I was told by someone who will remain unnamed (in fact, everyone I may or may not talk about over the month will remain anonymous) said I should actually try doing a self indulgent facebook status as practice. The closest I got was “Would it be ok to Sparta Kick a screaming 15 year old off a trampoline”. That does reveal I just can’t do it (also it was posted through my twitter account with is @seanjosephyoung, shameless plug I know). Or, it show’s how I cope with things, by Sparta kicking. “A bug was on my door so I SPARTA KICKED IT” “I can’t play the piano properly so I SPARTA KICKED IT” “Grandma was going down the stairs a bit too slow for my liking…”.

This is a huge stretch for me to do one, let alone thirty-one of these, so bare with me if the next few are a little ropey (whatever the fudge that means). I will also be trying to do little videos/voice recording to really test my tolerance levels (it’s like a necessary evil for me now) which will probably be instead of a whole lot of writing. So if you got an opinion and/or you want to plug something, get in contact.

 This is the Sparta kick, just in case you had no clue what i mean't!

Subjects I will be covering (got any ideas for more, be in touch)

Comedy

The Narrow-minded

Twitter/Facebook

Over-exaggeration

Judgement

Fake people

Media views

Along with them I’m sure I’ll think of more, along with a few life stories.

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