The last day of the project! I don’t really feel sad about it, as it doesn’t have to stop entirely. I have enjoyed doing it, as my English be getting better (deliberate). Along with that, it’s given me a chance to really have a good bicker and have a wider view on life. I feel as if I was always haunted by my own past, the wrong doings, the missed chances and all that shameful stuff. I admit, I am one of those people who say “I don’t regret anything”, but admittedly, there is plenty I regret. Whether it be with ex girlfriends, or fears that should have been shrugged off, they always seemed to haunt me and hurt my prospects and views on life. Fears and worries turned to hate which turned to my new catchphrase for a while which was “I don’t care”. On hindsight, of course I did, otherwise I wouldn’t have found an issue in it anyway. Stuff like my ex not texting me for a whole day for the first time in 3 years or coming back from a casting knowing it went bad and then telling myself, “I didn’t really want it anyway”. Anything to really shut up the voices in my head telling me that it actually has hurt me. I seem to only really be hurt by the blatantly obvious, which smashes me so hard in the face I don’t have time to say I don’t care about it (only for me to crawl into that hole later to avoid further questioning on the matter).
My Views on Sympathy
I hate sympathy, because of my constant crying and steady rising fears of everything as a child, I got a lot of it, but I also over heard resentment for it. I missed so much school that my friends got fed up of it because they didn’t understand what Crohn’s Disease was. In year 11 I changed quite a lot on my aspect on life. If I were to put it in a plainer example, it felt like I had aged in my mind about 5 years from thinking like a 12 year old to a 17 year old. By the time I had got out of A levels after three weeks, I was so sour of people, my brain had aged about 40 years. Which is probably one of the reasons (other then the obvious) to why I was so grateful to be surrounded by such fantastic and lovely people when I went to BTEC (of course there was a few characters, a boy called Anthony was one of them, he threatened to “spark” a girl, I then ((heroically of course, didn’t have time to get my cape, but the top hat and monocle was enough)) got up and said Anthony calm down and his quick witted reply was “don’t Anthony me”. I didn’t really have a clever reply to it other then “ok do the hustle do do dooo doo do da do do”, although that is my preset reply to anything in my mind, I do hope that guy is OK though, he disappeared off the radar when he left college). These people, I am happy to say will be life long friends, I am in awe of them and I couldn’t love them more.
Now when I have an issue, I usually speak to certain people I spoke about above, or wait until I don’t care anymore, not the I don’t care thing I mentioned earlier, real not caring. Although that process does take a few months/years. Even when my Crohn’s is acting up, I don’t talk about it or mention it, in fear that I will get sympathy.
I’m not an alpha male at all at the moment, but one thing I have learnt over the years is to never show weakness to the outsiders. A bleak thought I know, one that has probably stopped some friendships from getting past stage 2, but it’s one that has been buried into my mind like a flower in the back garden.
Their was a situation at my old drama group when we played a game called "chairs". This game requires you to imagine the chair is the person you’ve needed to speak to for ages. In doing so, you say the things you’ve needed to get out. This memory is one that I can’t help but regret deeply, even while typing this I’m tensing and squinting at the sheer thought of it (I even did a shiver that was so crazy it had pulled my neck muscles, the cheeky rascals). I had gotten carried away in the moment, not only going once but a total of three times (twice before the break, third time after), the last one ending with me storming out crying. “What had possessed me to even think it was a good idea to do it?!” I would yell at myself on nights pondering over it. I’m not a follower, neither am I an obvious leader, but I’m certainly not a follower, so what had allowed me to break all conformities which have all been set in stone? What angers me most at myself about the situation, is that I even did it, my issues weren’t as big as others, I didn’t need people to know my problems, especially those I didn’t really know. A place in which for a while I felt was a sanctuary, an opportunity to hang out with my best mates and where I could spend valuable time with one that I had loved for so long, was ruined for me. I don’t blame the owners or anyone else for the way I feel about it, that day is up for anyone’s presumption, but for me, it was one I regretted. After that, the drama class felt dirty to me, like they had witnessed me taking a dump in a circle and then backfliping into it, I felt dishonoured. It didn’t bring those who I didn’t really like to me, it only acted as a deterrent for me to never do anything similar again. It was pandemonium at the end, a guy smashed a window, another was weeping so hard onto another’s shoulder that he had a nose bleed, all of them with problems that warranted affection, love and sympathy, wishing for all of them to get better. I had made a hasty retreat and recovered, to make sure everyone was happy and smiling, but with a constant haunting feeling that I had some how ruined my natural, light-hearted persona for those in the room. A sub reason to why I think I had taken that day so badly is that their really wasn’t anyone else I could blame. Yes we could of not continued the game after the break, yes we could of just not played that game at all, yes my girlfriend at the time could of not run into the toilet at break, leaving me on my own, but I was the one who decided to take part, no one forced me. It was definitely an experience, one that I am slightly grateful for, but still one I regret.
I just want to secure something safely in the bank. My humour, the reason why I’m always making jokes (whether they be good or bad) is not a subconscious attempt to hide my insecurities. My insecurities are few and far between and if you spend enough time with me, you’d probably realise I make jokes out of everything. I’m comfortable with myself, yes I would like to gain weight if the Crohn’s let me, of course I’d love to be taller, but all these things I don’t really have control over, so I don’t see it as a problem. It’s not a coping mechanism either because I’m secretly gay (which is what every answer book about any action that I take will probably lead too). Nothing wrong with being gay, in fact if I was gay I’d probably be a whole lot funnier and less “seemingly flirtatious” towards women because of my friendliness and humour. Thinking about it, I think it would just switch over so guys would feel that way (I attract a lot of straight men for some reason?). My humour, is my humour, I love making jokes, I love creativity, which is why I hardly plan most things I say and I love making people happy and smile. It’s an addiction to me, if you laugh at the things I say I will not only fall in love with you slightly but I will also become more and more aware of what you find funny and stick with it. But in a generalised way so those who don’t a have similar humour could probably laugh at it to. Although, their is a girl I’ve been good friends with for a while (lies! All lies, kidding), we end up doing strange sounds together for about an hour, giggling away like Japanese school girls who have just seen the new cute (hentai) anime bunny. I love making people happy, I love making them feel things in a positive way (or a negative way if I’m acting and it’s the desired thing to need, like I’m playing a paedophile sports player who just shagged his team mates girlfriend ((no I’m not saying John Terry is a paedophile, I just added it for an increased anguish towards the character in question!). Overall, I just want people to smile more then they do, to be a reason for happiness, if there was anything I wanted more then becoming a well regarded actor, is to see those who I love, and those who deserve it, to be happy.
I may not speak to certain people as much as I would hope, I may seem distant at times, but never think I would want anything other then the best for you, unless you’re a nazi/unicorn or anything similar.
To be perfectly honest with you all, I’ve never felt happier. I feel a sense of completion at the moment. It won’t last and that’s not me being pessimistic, I hardly ever feel this happy, which is why I treasure these moments. I’m currently on my own, cooking for myself. As much as I find it inevitable that I will get a “pad” on my own, I don’t mind the thought of it. It even excites me at the thought of getting a pad with someone I truly love. It’s not a depressing thought, it’s just one that makes me smile that smile only associated with the thoughts of the future and aspiration (or bacon).
I just want to say thank you to all of those have supported me over the month, the regular readers, the future readers and those who can read in general (won’t insert any dyslexic bashing, or deshing as they would write). So this is it from the project, thank you again, it’s been fun. It’s not a goodbye, it’s a cya later (when I remember what film that is from I will be fully complete and then sail away into the distant sunlight to the sounds of Bon Iver “for Emma”). If you have just read this one, I implore you to read the others and tell me what you think, same to those who have read all of them, fudge it, to those who have anything to think, tell me.
So thank you again, I love you all. This is it, for now, much love