Derren Brown and a Ramble (contains a preview of my amazing artwork)

Introduction

Right, I’m about as erratic and as unreliable as possible with the dates of these blogs. I sometimes know what I’m going to write, other times I have no clue. This, I think, is going to be a bit of a ramble blog, and then I’ll tell you a little unimportant story from the Derren Brown promo. Oh and watch out for my amazing art work.

YouTube and IPhone Investigator

What tends to happen with these blogs, is that I will come on to the laptop with my mind set about what I’m going to write and then, when I get down to it, I splurge all my warmed up creative juices on things I can watch on YouTube. These videos on YouTube aren’t educational, nor do I garner any self respect from it. It’s all mostly stupid and silly videos that I hope exist. These subject headings are usually inane, nonsensical bullsquit like “badger riding Kangaroo” (that video does actually exist, but not on YouTube, it ruined my Tuesday) and “swallowing egg whole”.

On the IPhone you can search on Google, when you type something in, it saves what’s been entered so you can go back to it. I recently looked at the list I’ve created since owning this phone, and became slightly worried with how someone may see it without knowing the back story! Here’s the top four things on my Google history, on the IPhone.

Blue balls

Christopher Walken

Graphite

Migrant Workers

Yes, without knowing where it all come from, it’ll probably seem about as disturbing as a gimps basement (to be honest, it does sound like a checklist usually found in a gimps basement!). The Christopher Walken bit was to show my step dad who he was (who Christopher Walken was, my step dad wasn’t having a case of forgotten identity), as I had previously showed him The Walken Dead (you can see below) and it meant nothing to him as he had no clue who he was, which was kind of the main thing about that video. The other three was to confirm what they meant, as I never usually like to say something without knowing 100% that I’m using said word/phrase correctly! Like when I used the phrase “lets raise the flag and see who salutes” when I was 14, as a euphemism. Why? Because I was a bad ass 14 year old of course. (I didn’t actually say that, I didn’t use euphemisms then, I was too busy deciphering Einstein’s theory of relativity, that and playing Final Fantasy 7….. Mainly the latter).

Derren Brown

Well, yeah I did an advert for Derren Brown’s new show, was really awesome! Everyone was lovely which is always super nice. I’ve done things for television where I’ve hated every moment, but this time it was fun! Except the synchronised bit! Hated that so bad. They hired 20 dancers to do it with us, but they decided to have Mr 2 Left Face here to be near the front! I just couldn’t stop getting it wrong! It was simple and yet I’d either not bend my neck far enough or not move fast enough out of camera shot. Even though the lady beside me was a lovely older lady who walked slower then the younger people surrounding her. There was even one take where I forgot to take the phone out of my pocket so we had to stop and do it again, I’ve never had evils by 50 people instantaneously before, I felt kind of powerful! Yes I got a distinction in dance at college, but that was because the teacher rewarded me for taking myself completely out of my comfort zone with the strip at the showcase (little did she know). It also didn’t help when we were doing it under about 20 huge light bulbs, so everyone was feeling the heat. My face wasn’t sweating like the others, but, to put it bluntly, my area was! I had 2 pairs of jeans on because they didn’t have the right size for me, so I had to have my original jeans on underneath. It felt like I had been tea bagging lava.

I had a chance to quickly meet Derren Brown, I walked past him as he was speaking to 2 other guys. I’ve gone ahead and scripted this, with the possible inner thoughts of the great Derren Brown himself. I think this situation is an example of how I presume I’m being seemingly rude when I don’t mean to be at all (when around new people). Call it being self conscious of others accidental forced (by me) perception. I think I do this because of all the accusations of me being arrogant back in the day because I was nodding to criticism in a way they didn’t like, so since then, I’ve been really aware of what I say and how I say it. I never want people to think ill of me if I’m genuinely being nice or taking criticism on board, anyway. I’m sure his response was deliberate and not a panic button response, don’t see why it would be as I’m sure he’s dealt with stranger people while doing magic tricks on the street! (Initially had to write corridor in the scene heading, as that’s where it took place in, except I found that word such a mind frick, look at it, seriously look at it! How weird is that word!)

INT. CORRIDOR AT GREENFORD STUDIOS

SEAN enters wearing two pairs of jeans and a hoodie, this man radiates awesomeness (I’m the writer, I get to say what I want). As he plods along in the corridor, his eyes meet with magician and nice man, DERREN BROWN. DERREN is talking to two people while wearing a really nice suit. SEAN attempts a drive-by conversation.

SEAN

Alright!

DERREN

Hello mate, you OK?

Sean notices the suit, his obligations to always compliment nice fabric overrides his vocal chords.

SEAN V.O (INNER THOUGHT)

What a lovely bit of suitage

SEAN

Yeah I’m good thank you, nice suit by the way!

DERREN, taken off-guard by this sudden, badly composed compliment, responds.

DERREN V.O (INNER THOUGHT)

What?

DERREN

Thank you, yes, love your suit as well.

SEAN smiles and waves a hand as if to say “you’re too kind!” Without looking back to see DERREN’S face, leaving the ending of the drive-by to SEAN’S mind.

SEAN V.O (INNER THOUGHT)

Shit, I think he may have thought I was being sarcastic! Keep walking, avoid eye contact, warn Batman.

SEAN then, understandably, sings Holy Diver by Killswitch Engage out loud to drown out all the voices in his head, telling him to draw the guy who says “wonga” in the Envirophone adverts over the walls as a coping mechanism.

He genuinely seemed like a really nice, charismatic man. Which I always find is my first question when my friends meet famous people. I don’t like asking, is he a dick? Or did he kick off on set? Or anything like that, it’s always, “was he nice?” And then, out of my own insecurity, I ask “how tall was he/she?” So, to answer my own questions, he seemed really nice, and he was about 5 ft 8/5 ft 10? He seemed like the type of guy you’d want as a really cool uncle or wingman!

Oh and just to add, the main cast that were doing the puppet stuff with me were really nice as well and a pleasure to hang out/work with. There was one or two that I didn’t get to speak to as much even though I wanted to, but I’ve got them on Twitter now so all good (sneaky walking, social stalking, eating cabbage, swearing at Savage, it’s Twitter!!) Although, it turned out I was the only one there who hadn’t been to drama school, so I had no stories I could of bantered them with, I think I’m just going to have to deal with that for now!

Shoulder Injury

I’m going to do a short blog about this during the week. As much as I am OK which then renders it unnecessary in a way. The effort I’ve put into it makes it necessary! “What Effort??” You say! Well I tried to do a really really silly comic strip drawing which in my mind would take 10 minutes; it’s taken me 2 hours so far. This is one of the boxes. I’m as sorry as you are.

Summary

One of the more nuts blogs. Oh and I’m pretty sure I did say I have the drawing capability of an 8 year old, didn’t I?

Day Thirty! Puberty, Monitored by Facebook (and a Harry Potter Mention!)

Introduction

God headache, why won’t you go away! I’ve had a horrible piercing headache all day! I’ve taken everything I can, I even tried to sniff up a nail because apparently it would help (it didn’t!). Along with that, my groin muscles are acting up (too much sex, with the wall). I’ve had that problem on and off for a few years now and it always happens un-dramatically. It’s not like I saved a goal from going in with a diving tackle on the 93^rd minute, its more “I got up ever so slightly faster then my leg was expecting”. God I sound like an old man, I think that’s my problem, I have the view on life like a 60 year old man. That’s probably why I quite like long relationships and werther's original (or as they say in Phoneshop, nonse nuggets). My idea of bliss is being tucked away in a tropical island with a wife and access to seeing a few of my friends. No hussle and bussle, no troubles or worries. It sounds like a universal dream, but I’ve heard quite a lot of goals would be going out, taking loads of drugs and getting with women. That idea is fine, except that’s only one night, it doesn’t really take up any responsibilities for the day after, when you find out you’ve sold one of your own hands to a gypsy for shelter against the purple storm gathering in your left eye socket. F*cking gypsies.

The Times They are a Changing

It’s taken me 30 blogs but I’ve managed to get a Bob Dylan lyric in there! 5 points to Gryffindor! Actually thinking about it, would I be in that team? I feel like I’d be in Gryffindor but there is just something so awesome about Slytherin. I mean, they can’t all be that evil if they’ve actually made a team for it, right? This is coming from the guy who hasn’t watched the last two films or read any of the books! Let’s see how many readers I lose after declaring that.

Anyway! It’s going to be quite hard for me to stay on subject, what subject you say!? Exactly. Having Facebook (or any other social medium) has opened up loads of doors and has changed the way we perceive social definition. Along with that, it has been interesting to watch people redefine and grow as people over the time I have been friends with them on Facebook. Like when you see a photo of them when they joined Facebook and they looked like Jabba the Hut! Then you look at there current photo and they miraculously look like Jabba the Hut but with a new scarf, it’s still interesting to see. If I could post the before and after photos of people reconfiguring their looks and puberty taking them by the throat, I would. But I’m pretty sure you could see it for yourself! I have quite a few people who I grew up with, who now look completely different too how they looked previously.

Hell, quite a lot of them have replaced there own display pictures to photos of an ultra sound. Although, I do sometimes fear that they just have stolen the photo from someone else and advertised it as their own (what I’m trying to say is, all the ultra sound photos look the same! No offence or anything but I genuinely got worried that a baby had 3 mums and no dad, as they posted similar photos all in unison). Either that is their baby or they have gone for the ultra “retro photo” of themselves. Congratulations to all new mums by the way!

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, which is why ugly people usually wear eyepatches. Just made that up! It’s astonishing to see how people have transformed and fluctuated there sense of style, weight and beliefs. I have recently discovered changes in myself, not just from the height difference (I never said the noticeable changes wouldn’t be subtle *Sad face*). I recently watched something that broke my heart a little bit, I re-watched Jurassic Park Lost World, didn’t enjoy it that much.

Summary

For all the things I hate Facebook for, this is not one of them. I find it intriguing to see people become who they’ve always wanted to be, too live out there dreams as the person they have always wished to live there lives as. The years to which I will live out are more defining then any of the other years previous. The expectations, the dreams, the surprises, all will probably be revealed on Facebook and I will probably roll my eyes and sigh at most of the moany ones, even my own.

One thing I love is the fact that the word processor I was using on my Nan’s computer didn’t like the word blog. Yet on this word processor at my home, it’s totally fine with blog AND Gryffindor!

Podcast

http://themetaphoricalbeard.podomatic.com/entry/2011-08-17T15_09_58-07_00

Twitter

www.twitter.com/seanjosephyoung

Tumblr

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Blogspot

www.themetaphoricalbeard.blogspot.com

Day Twenty-Nine! My incredibly Powerful Poetry (one's about a fish!)

Introduction

Home sweet home. While racking my brains for what to do on this blog, it reminded me of how AQA used to destroy my brains by forcing me to come up with bulls*it theories on poetry and why they said this and that and how it goes with the time of the piece. Some of the poets deserved such time and effort to decipher there complex satirical/biblical pieces. But one about Robin going on his own instead of hanging about with batman? 3 god damn pages required for it?! And the others, ones where they were so horny even tissues ran away from them, those that could only be written by 38year old virgins and housewives and those that were so dull they required to be read in a monotone.

I used to write poetry, quite a lot actually, which is one of the reasons why I was capable of writing that “rap” on the podcast so fast. So, here are my versions of complex verses required of harsh deciphering, prepare for a nose bleed. Not really, they might be a little silly but I wouldn’t say they are nose bleeders or even spoofs. But I can guarantee you one thing, I’m going to try and write them in 10minutes (each).

Fish Haiku, hi to you to

I really do hate fish

Especially those who think they can breathe

Admittedly, I’m a fish as-well.

Thou King of Confectionary

I arrive at my destination,

Where? No where to mention

As to avoid personal dissertations on the Bellys darkening affection,

“Thou have come to the right place, peon”

A man bellowed with feeling

Which deserved thunderaplus applause, enough to crack the ceiling,

Of the buildings surrounding and compounding.

“thy face is like a gravestone

Filled with fine etchings but below thou art empty!

For the grave robbers have come and gone and sticky there fingers down your throat or was it there thumb?

Either way I am glad you have come!

For I have foraged these goods from a far,

On horseback not by car,

For it is about the journey not the destination!

A ladies smile is important, not the teeth that have devoid creation.

Is it not!?” I smile and agree

Just for this man to continue so I can see what he can see.

“blood stone snap up a thicket,

As fast as a 3 striped suit doth fall over a ball at a party for cricket

Do you understand?

It is not about the destination, it is about the journey young man!

Because we would never eat a fish which hath turned up uninvited

Or bacon being brought without being sighted!

So choose wisely my dear, for I am the king of confectionary!

And I am fully aware of the destination and the journey, which information can be scary!

For I shan’t tell it to you!

Make a choice, do what I do

For thou art the king of confectionary”

I marvelled at this maverick for a second then made a choice that he could see.

Ok I’ll have a chesseburger meal and does ketchup come for free?

He smiles and says, “indeed”.

My cheese rap

Here are the lyrics to my rap about cheese, notice the use of yos for anticipation purposes!

Yo yo yo yo

Yoghurts easily made of cheese

Wipe it on my bigs lips makes me a g,

Can I get a call out from babybel

Cause I know mary and she uses it as gel.

Sperm referenceing on this questral

Makes me famous in the chedder festival!

Buy loads of cheese, give it loads of holes

For sexual reasons and instead of newspaper for the treason for my spy pleasing

They think it smells, yeah well smell sells

Why do you think susan boyle gets all the girls.

She got a cheesy smile, that’s all I’m saying

Like a fine cheese it never goes off

Just like the bodies in the basement, man that’s rough

I’m not waiting any more, enough’s enough

If theres grass on the field then stay away from the muff!

Monster making Morecambe milk malnourished

Bring a few cows and they will flourish to nourish the goodness

The motherfucking cheesy goodness, solero.

Summary

They are a bit silly, but I will give 20 points to anyone who can come up with a huge deciphering essay about them all, honestly I will be your best friend if you do it! SO check out my other blogs if you want, add me on twitter, buy the tshirt! Much love all!

Podcast

http://themetaphoricalbeard.podomatic.com/entry/2011-08-17T15_09_58-07_00

Twitter

www.twitter.com/seanjosephyoung

Tumblr

www.themetaphoricalbeard.tumblr.com

Blogspot

www.themetaphoricalbeard.blogspot.com

Day Twenty-Two Television Centre and the Constant Theme of Wee

Introduction

Again I think I’m going to start it off by saying I’m incredibly tired and ill. It’s definitely a running theme in my blogs and I wouldn’t be surprised if people could tell when I was at my most tired as the content wears thin (minus yesterday, I just couldn’t think of anything good to say at all!).

Call it a Diary

I had a casting at the BBC Television Centre today. Every time I go there I always feel a sense of importance. Just knowing who has been inside it makes me have an overwhelming feeling of worth (a bit like teabagging an oscar, or something similar of course). I had a pretentious idea that I should walk in and out of the building with a smug (but undeserving) face for the next three hours so passersby thought I was famous. I didn’t though, because I don’t think anyone would see the funny side and well I’d look like a bit of a dick head walking out then a minute later walking back in and repeating (although I am giggling a little bit at the thought because I’m a sad tired ill man). I tend to get really bored waiting for my scenes so I usually create things I should do. It reminds me of a story that Zack Galifianakis told on The Nerdist podcast. While he was in a film called Below, he would have quite a few days off and the production would give him money to spend on food. He was hanging about at night in Trafalgar Square, bored. So he would go to random strangers, trying to pay them 50 quid to look at the moon with him.

Train Piss

Journey back on the train to Euston from White City always has a long winded feeling even though it’s only about six stops. At one point of the journey on this cramped rush hour train, I had a couple in my personal space as they were all up in each others grill, which I could deal with. What I couldn’t deal with is that this particular couple both smelt like piss and sweat. As disturbed as I was, I kind of admired the fact that both of them definitely smelt like it, not just one of them. They were one piss smelling entity.

Turn that Smell Down!

I managed to get pasta at marks and sparks in Euston before rushing to my train. I sat down and looked at my pasta in excitement as I had not eaten for a few hours and it was my opportunity to show this pasta whose boss. As soon as I opened it, some guy standing up walked past me and yelled “turn that smell down!”. I was initially confused and a little scared so I just said “sorry ok will do” as he pressed the button to first class and left. I couldn’t think of anything clever to say, in fact I can’t think of anything clever to say towards it now. It was just so random and I don’t think he really knew what he said, he only knew how he felt, that my pasta was fucking stinky, and it was, there was no denying it. Kind of makes me think that something really must of pissed him off and my pasta tipped him over the edge.

Summary

If you know me then you’d know I’m not a huge clubbing fan. So when I find an album with pictures of a local club doing a wet tshirt competition, I was a bit jubilant. As I went through it, I noticed all the girls were drunk and they all were victims of terribly timed photographs (quite a few of them look like they’ve been asked to do there best elephant man being slapped in the face with a wet fish look), also there is a photo of a naked man, within this photograph you can see the floor of where they are doing the wet tshirt competition, is all yellow. Nothing more sexy then drunken women dancing and prancing about in wee. This blog has the most mention of urine in it, which really pisses me off.

Here’s the link of what I’m talking about, I didn’t put the photo up as I don’t want to inflict it on anyone, just click on it and look at the water. But it really does sum up why i don't go clubbing, let alone in Watford.

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=190908887640807&set=a.190901394308223.49041.100001650908148&type=1&theater

Day Twelve- Dan's First Blog and a Summary by Moi

Introduction
Hello lovely readers/listeners of The Meta(phorical) Beard blog/podcast! I am called by many names (not just a Mighty Boosh Shaman reference, I actually am known by a few) Dan/Daniel/Roo/Reuben/Dandan/Rooroo/Oi/. I be Sean’s brother who appeared on the podcast with him, if you didn't listen to the podcast then hi *waves*. This probably wont be long or that interesting or to be honest, content ridden. But! What it will be is maybe something about something and most probably just a set of rambly rambles at the momento.

Oh look a Blog...
I’ve been trying to write something for a day in the blog for many many days. I started with a few different ideas, different subjects, different moods, but nothing has really kept my attention longer than 10 mins (and the same will probably happen right now while writing this). The problem with me writing about a subject or an opinion about something is that once I’ve written it, I read it back and think ‘huh yea it wasn't a really big deal’ or something in that floaty A.D.H.D manner and oh look a butterfly...

Picture this right...
So, I’ll probably start doing a quick small illustration for each of Sean’s blogs if i get the time and if they provide me with the mental imagery, so watch out for those slowly being posted. Also we’ll hopefully be doing another podcast soon, it might be the Sunday this time instead of the Saturday so if you liked the first one then you’re in luck, if you didn't then why not? Kidding. We also have some audio that is pretty freaky that I won’t reveal now but while editing we were shocked to find that we may have angered the spirits, so listen in to hear that as we did edit it out to save it for the next podcast but its spo0o0o0o0oky!
As usual we will discuss and round up the blogs from the week before, hopefully we will be cutting down the amount of ridiculous segways (which i can only apologize for and apologize to the people who were confused to why we kept mentioning a 2 wheel vehicle).  I’m going to compile little things throughout the last podcast and Seanisms from everyday life to attack him with for revenge for the winding up I took last time (and yes I was bitten by the dog next door and yes it was horrible and I was scared of dogs for a while, thank you Sean for bringing it up in a comedy sense)

Summary (By Sean)
No problem Dan! I really appreciate my brother covering my arse with this blog, even though it’s a day late. I’ve had a really busy few days doing photography and causing a bit of mischief here and there. I did my stuff at Oliver with Act Now which was a really good show and the afterparty was fun and eventful. I of course managed to offend at least one person *fist pump*. I’ll probably do a blog for that night because it was just quite nuts!

Anyway, big props to Daniel for doing this blog, the man’s a god among lesbian spiders (the liquorish maverick). Day 13 will be posted tomorrow along with day 14 after a few hours that’ll hopefully contain the podcast. The reason why I’m not releasing today’s blog is due to the fact that I just got home and I’m off to watch a few of my lovely friends in a showcase within the next hour or two. Mainly going to watch the improvisation to which I am a huge fan of so, looking forward to that!

Big shout out to all those in the Act Now show for Oliver, I usually hate that musical but it was really well done and definitely something to be proud of. Before the show I taught all the kids (about 5 to 10 year olds) to walk like dinosaurs, and then named them my dinosaur army. They then came up to me while I worked in the wings to say they are doing the performance for the dinosaurs. Never really realised how much power I had, so now that I know! Beware society, you have a new thing to fear (other then steroid addicted Superman).

Twitter

www.twitter.com/seanjosephyoung

Tumblr

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Blogspot

www.themetaphoricalbeard.blogspot.com

Day Three- Top Five Small but Irritating Things

Introduction

Had a few good things said about my blogs so far! No doubt the highlight being “yesterday’s blog made me horny”. If I could get a few more reviews like that, then I think I’d be very happy. Now that we got the positive out the way, what a terrible day it’s been. Not a terrible, “god people are bastards and the worlds against me” kind of way, but more of a collection of small things kind of terrible. I woke up bitten like I’ve joined an orgy, then found out everyone there is a cannibal. I managed to bite my lip twice in the same place (not as easy as my huge lips would make you think). My internet keeps going down (make your own joke here). Lastly, I stubbed my toe and the pain just won’t go away! So this blog will be all about, mildly tiny, irritating things (like your penis).

The Top Five Small but still Irritating Things:

Five: Junk Mail. I think that’s pretty much with everyone. The amount of penis enlargement emails I get is starting to make me feel insecure. Especially seeing as though they are being sent by my ex (they aren’t, trust me…She has no internet where she is *sharp violin sound*. That place being home, her internet provider is horrible).

Four:  Treading on lego or turned up plug sockets. No explanation to why because well, I think we all know why.

Three: People who point a lot. I know that’s really strange but I just, can’t stand it. If it’s necessary for you to point, maybe you’re giving a direction, that’s fine. But if you’re mid conversation and you point at the person! Three or four times in the space of half an hour is fine, but if you do it for emphasis after every sentence, GFY.

Two: White women, Kidding. People who misuse the word “irony”. I have found that the new hipster thing to do is to be witty and ironic. I haven’t put hipsters because I enjoy it when they try to be witty, it makes me laugh, not in the way they wanted, but it’s still funny. I genuinely read a facebook status (my favourite place to go for bullshit) “Just ate a snickers bar, irony!”, it wasn’t a joke, it was genuine, and people liked it. The only way that would be ironic is if that snickers bar was trying to eat you!

One: When people take photos of there reflection in the bathroom of a club. There is just something really shitty about that… I actually played a game with a friend where we chose an album and guessed how many toilet photos there will be, and you get double points if they are doing the popular girl pose (so many points). There are probably loads of photos where you have just taken a number 1 or 2, hell there are photos of people taking a number 1 or 2. But, I’d rather not be able to confirm it, I like a mystery, especially one that I’m not involved in.

Summary

If one day, I get a junk email that contains a photo of a collection of girls pointing at each other while talking in a toilet with the subject title: “irony”. I’d probably go on a rampage. Then during that rampage I tread on a turned up plug socket, I will give up on the world.

Off topic quickly

I love sooty. Finding out he put Paul Daniel in the hospital for throwing a pizza at his face just makes me all warm inside. Not that I hate Paul Daniel, I just love Sooty that much and love seeing him trend on twitter for another reason other then his court case.

Twitter

www.twitter.com/seanjosephyoung

Tumblr

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Blogspot

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Day Two- Procrastination and the Inappropriate Joke at Graduation

Introduction

Day 2 and already I’m slightly struggling. Before getting in a panic (well more of a slight sigh then a full blown sweaty “find the keys” panic) about whether the ideas have run dry already, they haven’t. I just don’t want to “blow my load” on the next 7 days then be forced to write about my favourite cheese or how much I find extended eye contact alluring but creepy at the same time. But again that somewhat prejudice died out as well because those topics are probably inevitable. So this blog shall be all about, procrastination.

Procrastination

I’m fantastic at it, even before I wrote this I finished about 40 starburst, even though after about 10 of them I said “this will be the last one, then I will get down to some work”. In-fact, while I’ve written this blog, I’ve taken a few breaks, watched Mock the Week and QI on youtube and thought about playing guitar, then realised it might need some effort. I’m not lazy, I’m just a bit “motivation in-sufficient”. I’d blame it on the insomnia tiring me out but I’ve always been like that depending on the day or task at hand. I’ve found out over the years that I’m terrible at doing what I’m told. I don’t burn the house down then graffiti “shit on the system” in marker pens all over town hall. I just find myself incapable of doing a good job when I have someone I don’t connect with at all breathing down my neck (there’s an incest joke here somewhere).

Verbal assault, in front of an audience.

Although, there was an exception to that in GCSE. I loved my form tutor, she was a lovely lady and taught me French, but I failed really badly at it (got an f, an f for French of course). I liked her so much, that when I was told during graduation that I would have to get on the microphone in front of about 600-900 parents/teachers and say a nice thing about her, I was very much up for it. I watched as uncharismatic (maybe they were doing deadpan style but without jokes) people read from a cue card which was no doubt written by the teacher themselves. They splurted out the most typical, boring (but appropriate no doubt) and recycled stuff about the chosen teacher.  Things like “he is an inspiration”, “she has taught me things I never thought I’d understand” “he helped me get rid of the body by saying I should feed them to pigs”. Made me think, the naughty ones had no hand in thinking of things to say. 

It got to my turn, I lined up as people received there certificates to say they’ve managed to live in Canons High School for 4 years. I was slightly nervous and I debated what I should say. “Should I go with the recycled stuff discussed earlier or shall I just go with, what I just thought of, planned or improvised, planned or improvised”. I went with improvised. So 600-900 people watched me say with relative calm and swagger “Yeah Miss Grainger is a fantastic teacher, and if I was 30 years older, thwa…”. Luckily they all laughed and clapped which was fantastic because if they were silent I’d be on a register of some sort. She wasn’t creeped out either just very red, either from embarrassment or shame that a somewhat presumably sensible student (which was a bit rare in my school) had just proclaimed to the parents of the school that he’d do her if he was 46. Best thing about it was she didn’t hit me, she just said “30 years older?”, not that I’m saying I had a chance, at all. She probably wanted to headbutt me for what I had caused, because she wasn’t very much into being talked about one on one, let alone becoming a victim of verbal sexual assault in front of an audience of 600+.

Summary

Well I guess this is a really good advertisement for my blog, I go to try and talk about a subject as important as procrastination and I side track into a story about being me being a dickhoop. And I changed the teachers name of course! Don’t want to make her anymore embarrassed then she was. But if you were there you’d know the name and the somewhat bewildered looks of some of my class mates! I’ve been saying this for about 3-4 years now, if anyone videoed that and the “talk” Sahil and I did I’d be eternally grateful. My mum tried to video it but she got shakey hand syndrome which was then followed with the thought of “I’m sure Sean would only want to watch the first five minutes of this anyway”. I forgive her though, mums are awesome.

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Day One-Why are you doing this to yourself?

Introduction

The next month will be a very raw and semi-open (hehe hehe he said semi) me. I will be hitting up a range of subjects or just talking about what I’ve been getting up to. I apologise now if you find what I say offensive, content wise or grammar wise.

Why the Meta(phorical) beard?

First things first, welcome, you beautiful people you. I’ll get the obvious questions out the way first, why are you doing this? And why is it called The Meta(phorical) Beard? Well Meta meaning to explain something about something explaining something, an example of this is: Doing an essay about an essay. Then adding phorical to create metaphorical, then adding beard equals: A metaphorical beard. This is simpler, it’s because I like beards, but can’t grow one.

First Reason

The main reason why I’m doing this is because I hate it, very English I know, to do something you hate (insert wife joke here). I can’t stand the idea that people will know me more, as weird as that sounds. Fair enough if the people I adore know a huge amount about me, that’s fine, I love and trust them. But people I don’t really know? GFY. And with this I feel as if I’m losing out on an instinctual human act, the act of relation. Relation being, I relate to that, I agree with you, or I disagree with you but you’re so handsome that I forgive you and still love you for it. It’s a way of reaching out, getting my name about, creating new friendships, new relationships, new people (if you know what I mean). It’s something, an introverted socialite like myself, needs but fears at the same time. It’s a necessity in my line of work as well, no-one has ever hired an actor who never does the things he hates.

Second Reason

Second reason being, I am an opinionated person, but when given an issue to which warrants an opinion, I create one on the spot. So it’s less of an opinion and more an improvised idea. An example of this is: When I was asked, what age were you the happiest? I went with 9, why? Cause the person asking smelt like tobasco sauce and I had a very itchy foot. Looking back at it, what I remember of being 9 kind of sucked. My birthday party was at Wacky Warehouse (blut blut sir). That’s great, but on that day I went down the slide a little bit too fast and torpedoed myself down to the bottom of the ball pit. I don’t know if you’ve ever drowned in a place where you can breathe. Didn’t find it a thrilling adventure (I was going to say, have you ever drowned in a sea of balls but I thought that’d be a bit too inappropriate for my first blog, slow and steady, slow and steady). So this blog is giving me the chance to gain an actual thought-out opinion on stuff. Whether you agree with my opinions or not is fine, just don’t smell like tobasco sauce. Don’t be that guy.

Self-indulgent Sparta kick

Over the course of the month prior, I’ve relayed the idea to a few friends, there worse idea was the following: I was told by someone who will remain unnamed (in fact, everyone I may or may not talk about over the month will remain anonymous) said I should actually try doing a self indulgent facebook status as practice. The closest I got was “Would it be ok to Sparta Kick a screaming 15 year old off a trampoline”. That does reveal I just can’t do it (also it was posted through my twitter account with is @seanjosephyoung, shameless plug I know). Or, it show’s how I cope with things, by Sparta kicking. “A bug was on my door so I SPARTA KICKED IT” “I can’t play the piano properly so I SPARTA KICKED IT” “Grandma was going down the stairs a bit too slow for my liking…”.

This is a huge stretch for me to do one, let alone thirty-one of these, so bare with me if the next few are a little ropey (whatever the fudge that means). I will also be trying to do little videos/voice recording to really test my tolerance levels (it’s like a necessary evil for me now) which will probably be instead of a whole lot of writing. So if you got an opinion and/or you want to plug something, get in contact.

 This is the Sparta kick, just in case you had no clue what i mean't!

Subjects I will be covering (got any ideas for more, be in touch)

Comedy

The Narrow-minded

Twitter/Facebook

Over-exaggeration

Judgement

Fake people

Media views

Along with them I’m sure I’ll think of more, along with a few life stories.

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