Derren Brown and a Ramble (contains a preview of my amazing artwork)

Introduction

Right, I’m about as erratic and as unreliable as possible with the dates of these blogs. I sometimes know what I’m going to write, other times I have no clue. This, I think, is going to be a bit of a ramble blog, and then I’ll tell you a little unimportant story from the Derren Brown promo. Oh and watch out for my amazing art work.

YouTube and IPhone Investigator

What tends to happen with these blogs, is that I will come on to the laptop with my mind set about what I’m going to write and then, when I get down to it, I splurge all my warmed up creative juices on things I can watch on YouTube. These videos on YouTube aren’t educational, nor do I garner any self respect from it. It’s all mostly stupid and silly videos that I hope exist. These subject headings are usually inane, nonsensical bullsquit like “badger riding Kangaroo” (that video does actually exist, but not on YouTube, it ruined my Tuesday) and “swallowing egg whole”.

On the IPhone you can search on Google, when you type something in, it saves what’s been entered so you can go back to it. I recently looked at the list I’ve created since owning this phone, and became slightly worried with how someone may see it without knowing the back story! Here’s the top four things on my Google history, on the IPhone.

Blue balls

Christopher Walken

Graphite

Migrant Workers

Yes, without knowing where it all come from, it’ll probably seem about as disturbing as a gimps basement (to be honest, it does sound like a checklist usually found in a gimps basement!). The Christopher Walken bit was to show my step dad who he was (who Christopher Walken was, my step dad wasn’t having a case of forgotten identity), as I had previously showed him The Walken Dead (you can see below) and it meant nothing to him as he had no clue who he was, which was kind of the main thing about that video. The other three was to confirm what they meant, as I never usually like to say something without knowing 100% that I’m using said word/phrase correctly! Like when I used the phrase “lets raise the flag and see who salutes” when I was 14, as a euphemism. Why? Because I was a bad ass 14 year old of course. (I didn’t actually say that, I didn’t use euphemisms then, I was too busy deciphering Einstein’s theory of relativity, that and playing Final Fantasy 7….. Mainly the latter).

Derren Brown

Well, yeah I did an advert for Derren Brown’s new show, was really awesome! Everyone was lovely which is always super nice. I’ve done things for television where I’ve hated every moment, but this time it was fun! Except the synchronised bit! Hated that so bad. They hired 20 dancers to do it with us, but they decided to have Mr 2 Left Face here to be near the front! I just couldn’t stop getting it wrong! It was simple and yet I’d either not bend my neck far enough or not move fast enough out of camera shot. Even though the lady beside me was a lovely older lady who walked slower then the younger people surrounding her. There was even one take where I forgot to take the phone out of my pocket so we had to stop and do it again, I’ve never had evils by 50 people instantaneously before, I felt kind of powerful! Yes I got a distinction in dance at college, but that was because the teacher rewarded me for taking myself completely out of my comfort zone with the strip at the showcase (little did she know). It also didn’t help when we were doing it under about 20 huge light bulbs, so everyone was feeling the heat. My face wasn’t sweating like the others, but, to put it bluntly, my area was! I had 2 pairs of jeans on because they didn’t have the right size for me, so I had to have my original jeans on underneath. It felt like I had been tea bagging lava.

I had a chance to quickly meet Derren Brown, I walked past him as he was speaking to 2 other guys. I’ve gone ahead and scripted this, with the possible inner thoughts of the great Derren Brown himself. I think this situation is an example of how I presume I’m being seemingly rude when I don’t mean to be at all (when around new people). Call it being self conscious of others accidental forced (by me) perception. I think I do this because of all the accusations of me being arrogant back in the day because I was nodding to criticism in a way they didn’t like, so since then, I’ve been really aware of what I say and how I say it. I never want people to think ill of me if I’m genuinely being nice or taking criticism on board, anyway. I’m sure his response was deliberate and not a panic button response, don’t see why it would be as I’m sure he’s dealt with stranger people while doing magic tricks on the street! (Initially had to write corridor in the scene heading, as that’s where it took place in, except I found that word such a mind frick, look at it, seriously look at it! How weird is that word!)

INT. CORRIDOR AT GREENFORD STUDIOS

SEAN enters wearing two pairs of jeans and a hoodie, this man radiates awesomeness (I’m the writer, I get to say what I want). As he plods along in the corridor, his eyes meet with magician and nice man, DERREN BROWN. DERREN is talking to two people while wearing a really nice suit. SEAN attempts a drive-by conversation.

SEAN

Alright!

DERREN

Hello mate, you OK?

Sean notices the suit, his obligations to always compliment nice fabric overrides his vocal chords.

SEAN V.O (INNER THOUGHT)

What a lovely bit of suitage

SEAN

Yeah I’m good thank you, nice suit by the way!

DERREN, taken off-guard by this sudden, badly composed compliment, responds.

DERREN V.O (INNER THOUGHT)

What?

DERREN

Thank you, yes, love your suit as well.

SEAN smiles and waves a hand as if to say “you’re too kind!” Without looking back to see DERREN’S face, leaving the ending of the drive-by to SEAN’S mind.

SEAN V.O (INNER THOUGHT)

Shit, I think he may have thought I was being sarcastic! Keep walking, avoid eye contact, warn Batman.

SEAN then, understandably, sings Holy Diver by Killswitch Engage out loud to drown out all the voices in his head, telling him to draw the guy who says “wonga” in the Envirophone adverts over the walls as a coping mechanism.

He genuinely seemed like a really nice, charismatic man. Which I always find is my first question when my friends meet famous people. I don’t like asking, is he a dick? Or did he kick off on set? Or anything like that, it’s always, “was he nice?” And then, out of my own insecurity, I ask “how tall was he/she?” So, to answer my own questions, he seemed really nice, and he was about 5 ft 8/5 ft 10? He seemed like the type of guy you’d want as a really cool uncle or wingman!

Oh and just to add, the main cast that were doing the puppet stuff with me were really nice as well and a pleasure to hang out/work with. There was one or two that I didn’t get to speak to as much even though I wanted to, but I’ve got them on Twitter now so all good (sneaky walking, social stalking, eating cabbage, swearing at Savage, it’s Twitter!!) Although, it turned out I was the only one there who hadn’t been to drama school, so I had no stories I could of bantered them with, I think I’m just going to have to deal with that for now!

Shoulder Injury

I’m going to do a short blog about this during the week. As much as I am OK which then renders it unnecessary in a way. The effort I’ve put into it makes it necessary! “What Effort??” You say! Well I tried to do a really really silly comic strip drawing which in my mind would take 10 minutes; it’s taken me 2 hours so far. This is one of the boxes. I’m as sorry as you are.

Summary

One of the more nuts blogs. Oh and I’m pretty sure I did say I have the drawing capability of an 8 year old, didn’t I?

Ah god, he's back doing Blogs again- Anti-Climax and What I'm Up To.

Introduction

Fuck the system.

Right well, look at me, I’m back doing ze blogs! Everyone happy? Not if you were/will be offended by my blogs. Which I find quite funny, seeing as though I don’t normally address a specific person in my blogs, but more the act of said “wrong-doing”. To be offended by it is to admit you’ve done it before, am I right? Anyway, so I’m back, going to be trying to do this once a week at the least, it’s something to keep the mind from letting go (No Jack no! Keep holding on, rescue will be here soon). So this blog will be about what I’ve got planned and the true way of living in a world of the anti-climax! If that doesn’t sound exciting enough, here’s some space created with the space bar                      !

I’m Sorry, I Seem to of Anti-Climaxed an Old Person on you

If you need a definition towards an anti-climax, watch England play football. Too sporty for you? Buy anything with the word “super” in it, or this blog. I live a life of the anti-climax, as an actor I go to castings for (mostly) amazing projects and then not get them. But without the slight hope or dream of getting it, there really isn’t any point of trying out for it.

Something I’ve found to be an anti-climax (to no fault of it’s own) is Twitter. I thought it’d be magnificent, as a friend of mine convinced me it’s the greatest thing in the world (which wasn’t hard to do as I was previously blown away by the invention of trampoline walls (they are just trampolines placed at an angle, but still!)).

I wouldn’t have joined the lovely world of Twitter if someone hadn’t told me it’s the greatest thing since sliced Gerbil. So imagine my dismay when it didn’t live up to the hype and was a huge anti-climax in comparative to how he was describing it. It is no where near as great as people say it is, but, I still like it. Yes, things like toast, Twitter, Colin Farrell’s acting and Sportsdirect.com can be overhyped, but they are still good enough to look at (and maybe taste? The toast anyway, Twitter would taste like girl sweat for teenage celebrities and Robbie Savage’s tears). I’ve even started using Twitter properly, with hash tags and everything, but so far I haven’t really seen a solid reason to use them, as I’m not a 1direction or Justin Beeballs fan.

It is either people are becoming fantastic promoters or I just have quite a high idea of things that’d be rated a 10/10. But it’s not like I hate everything, or think everything that has ever been made is a dirty shit-eater. It’s not like that at all, I’m very happy about most things in life, in fact, I’m a firm believer that Doritos are perfect and my fat ipod is the best Ipod I can get (on that note, R.I.P Steve Jobs).

Yes, maybe everything is an anti-climax in a way, but what would be the point of having any adventure in life if everything was perfect?

Life, Life Life Life

Talking about anti-climaxes! I’ve got a little game for you all. I recently did the promo (with other people of course) for the new Derren Brown show. According to a few of my lovely supportive friends, the advert is now live on telly, so if anyone else finds it, tell me so I can watch it on +1! (YouTube isn’t the same). But that isn’t the game! Apparently there are going to be billboards that have my face in it, if you can get a photo of one, or you pointing at one, or multiple posters in different places, or a tiny cat sunbathing on the shell of a turtle, then you will win a prize! Haven’t thought about what it is, but it will happen!

Things I’ve got planned? Well I’m going to be doing this every week, maybe every Thursday? Will see, but! Here is the news that some of you will be excited for, others would probably be a bit confused by it. I’ve recently bought the devices/software to record me playing video games (stay with me, like my wife). So I’ll be putting up footage of me playing video games up on YouTube, with voiceover/narration by myself. So basically, I will be treating it as a podcast with maybe some comments on how the game footage is going. It’s another platform for me as I am a regular player of games and I like to joke around, so I don’t see why I shouldn’t combine the two and potentially earn money from it (get enough views on your YouTube channel and you start being paid for advertisement and such, so much so that you could probably gain the equivalent monthly earnings of working a 5hour job everyday, why aren’t other people doing this!). So if you are interested in games, watch and listen, if you don’t like games but like a good joke in a short podcast format, have my voice in the background while you are on facebook or whatever it is you people do. It’s a win win situation for me, and you!

Also, I do photography properly now, so if anyone reading needs headshots then I suggest you get in contact with me and we will talk prices, mine are ridiculously cheap, for now!

Sean, what are you doing with all this money? Is it going towards anything? Cocaine mainly. That and I’m saving up to moving out and I want to try and get an agent in America (through going there after getting in contact with agents that desire to use my face, not by buying myself into one, never do that, it’s a scam!) without borrowing money from my lovely parents.

Summary

Will do a blog about the Derren Brown Promo, it was a prime example of why I’m terrible at dance and how Derren Brown could potentially hate me for accidently sounding sarcastic.

Also I’m going to be doing a blog about my adventures in “improving” myself. I know, I’m as worried as you are.

Plus! Expect a very ranty blog about those who think it’s there right to feel they are better then others even though they haven’t accomplished anything! Needless to say, it potentially could be awesome, or an anti-climax (it all comes full circle, bit like a wank in a roundabout, have you missed me?).

The Final Day of the Project- Subject: Me

Introduction

The last day of the project! I don’t really feel sad about it, as it doesn’t have to stop entirely. I have enjoyed doing it, as my English be getting better (deliberate). Along with that, it’s given me a chance to really have a good bicker and have a wider view on life. I feel as if I was always haunted by my own past, the wrong doings, the missed chances and all that shameful stuff. I admit, I am one of those people who say “I don’t regret anything”, but admittedly, there is plenty I regret. Whether it be with ex girlfriends, or fears that should have been shrugged off, they always seemed to haunt me and hurt my prospects and views on life. Fears and worries turned to hate which turned to my new catchphrase for a while which was “I don’t care”. On hindsight, of course I did, otherwise I wouldn’t have found an issue in it anyway. Stuff like my ex not texting me for a whole day for the first time in 3 years or coming back from a casting knowing it went bad and then telling myself, “I didn’t really want it anyway”. Anything to really shut up the voices in my head telling me that it actually has hurt me. I seem to only really be hurt by the blatantly obvious, which smashes me so hard in the face I don’t have time to say I don’t care about it (only for me to crawl into that hole later to avoid further questioning on the matter).

My Views on Sympathy

I hate sympathy, because of my constant crying and steady rising fears of everything as a child, I got a lot of it, but I also over heard resentment for it. I missed so much school that my friends got fed up of it because they didn’t understand what Crohn’s Disease was. In year 11 I changed quite a lot on my aspect on life. If I were to put it in a plainer example, it felt like I had aged in my mind about 5 years from thinking like a 12 year old to a 17 year old. By the time I had got out of A levels after three weeks, I was so sour of people, my brain had aged about 40 years. Which is probably one of the reasons (other then the obvious) to why I was so grateful to be surrounded by such fantastic and lovely people when I went to BTEC (of course there was a few characters, a boy called Anthony was one of them, he threatened to “spark” a girl, I then ((heroically of course, didn’t have time to get my cape, but the top hat and monocle was enough)) got up and said Anthony calm down and his quick witted reply was “don’t Anthony me”. I didn’t really have a clever reply to it other then “ok do the hustle do do dooo doo do da do do”, although that is my preset reply to anything in my mind, I do hope that guy is OK though, he disappeared off the radar when he left college). These people, I am happy to say will be life long friends, I am in awe of them and I couldn’t love them more.

  

Now when I have an issue, I usually speak to certain people I spoke about above, or wait until I don’t care anymore, not the I don’t care thing I mentioned earlier, real not caring. Although that process does take a few months/years. Even when my Crohn’s is acting up, I don’t talk about it or mention it, in fear that I will get sympathy.

I’m not an alpha male at all at the moment, but one thing I have learnt over the years is to never show weakness to the outsiders. A bleak thought I know, one that has probably stopped some friendships from getting past stage 2, but it’s one that has been buried into my mind like a flower in the back garden.

Their was a situation at my old drama group when we played a game called "chairs". This game requires you to imagine the chair is the person you’ve needed to speak to for ages. In doing so, you say the things you’ve needed to get out. This memory is one that I can’t help but regret deeply, even while typing this I’m tensing and squinting at the sheer thought of it (I even did a shiver that was so crazy it had pulled my neck muscles, the cheeky rascals). I had gotten carried away in the moment, not only going once but a total of three times (twice before the break, third time after), the last one ending with me storming out crying. “What had possessed me to even think it was a good idea to do it?!” I would yell at myself on nights pondering over it. I’m not a follower, neither am I an obvious leader, but I’m certainly not a follower, so what had allowed me to break all conformities which have all been set in stone? What angers me most at myself about the situation, is that I even did it, my issues weren’t as big as others, I didn’t need people to know my problems, especially those I didn’t really know. A place in which for a while I felt was a sanctuary, an opportunity to hang out with my best mates and where I could spend valuable time with one that I had loved for so long, was ruined for me. I don’t blame the owners or anyone else for the way I feel about it, that day is up for anyone’s presumption, but for me, it was one I regretted. After that, the drama class felt dirty to me, like they had witnessed me taking a dump in a circle and then backfliping into it, I felt dishonoured. It didn’t bring those who I didn’t really like to me, it only acted as a deterrent for me to never do anything similar again. It was pandemonium at the end, a guy smashed a window, another was weeping so hard onto another’s shoulder that he had a nose bleed, all of them with problems that warranted affection, love and sympathy, wishing for all of them to get better. I had made a hasty retreat and recovered, to make sure everyone was happy and smiling, but with a constant haunting feeling that I had some how ruined my natural, light-hearted persona for those in the room. A sub reason to why I think I had taken that day so badly is that their really wasn’t anyone else I could blame. Yes we could of not continued the game after the break, yes we could of just not played that game at all, yes my girlfriend at the time could of not run into the toilet at break, leaving me on my own, but I was the one who decided to take part, no one forced me. It was definitely an experience, one that I am slightly grateful for, but still one I regret.

My humour

I just want to secure something safely in the bank. My humour, the reason why I’m always making jokes (whether they be good or bad) is not a subconscious attempt to hide my insecurities. My insecurities are few and far between and if you spend enough time with me, you’d probably realise I make jokes out of everything. I’m comfortable with myself, yes I would like to gain weight if the Crohn’s let me, of course I’d love to be taller, but all these things I don’t really have control over, so I don’t see it as a problem. It’s not a coping mechanism either because I’m secretly gay (which is what every answer book about any action that I take will probably lead too). Nothing wrong with being gay, in fact if I was gay I’d probably be a whole lot funnier and less “seemingly flirtatious” towards women because of my friendliness and humour. Thinking about it, I think it would just switch over so guys would feel that way (I attract a lot of straight men for some reason?). My humour, is my humour, I love making jokes, I love creativity, which is why I hardly plan most things I say and I love making people happy and smile. It’s an addiction to me, if you laugh at the things I say I will not only fall in love with you slightly but I will also become more and more aware of what you find funny and stick with it. But in a generalised way so those who don’t a have similar humour could probably laugh at it to. Although, their is a girl I’ve been good friends with for a while (lies! All lies, kidding), we end up doing strange sounds together for about an hour, giggling away like Japanese school girls who have just seen the new cute (hentai) anime bunny. I love making people happy, I love making them feel things in a positive way (or a negative way if I’m acting and it’s the desired thing to need, like I’m playing a paedophile sports player who just shagged his team mates girlfriend ((no I’m not saying John Terry is a paedophile, I just added it for an increased anguish towards the character in question!). Overall, I just want people to smile more then they do, to be a reason for happiness, if there was anything I wanted more then becoming a well regarded actor, is to see those who I love, and those who deserve it, to be happy.

I may not speak to certain people as much as I would hope, I may seem distant at times, but never think I would want anything other then the best for you, unless you’re a nazi/unicorn or anything similar.

Summary

To be perfectly honest with you all, I’ve never felt happier. I feel a sense of completion at the moment. It won’t last and that’s not me being pessimistic, I hardly ever feel this happy, which is why I treasure these moments. I’m currently on my own, cooking for myself. As much as I find it inevitable that I will get a “pad” on my own, I don’t mind the thought of it. It even excites me at the thought of getting a pad with someone I truly love. It’s not a depressing thought, it’s just one that makes me smile that smile only associated with the thoughts of the future and aspiration (or bacon).

I just want to say thank you to all of those have supported me over the month, the regular readers, the future readers and those who can read in general (won’t insert any dyslexic bashing, or deshing as they would write). So this is it from the project, thank you again, it’s been fun. It’s not a goodbye, it’s a cya later (when I remember what film that is from I will be fully complete and then sail away into the distant sunlight to the sounds of Bon Iver “for Emma”). If you have just read this one, I implore you to read the others and tell me what you think, same to those who have read all of them, fudge it, to those who have anything to think, tell me.

So thank you again, I love you all. This is it, for now, much love

Twitter

www.twitter.com/seanjosephyoung

Day Thirty! Puberty, Monitored by Facebook (and a Harry Potter Mention!)

Introduction

God headache, why won’t you go away! I’ve had a horrible piercing headache all day! I’ve taken everything I can, I even tried to sniff up a nail because apparently it would help (it didn’t!). Along with that, my groin muscles are acting up (too much sex, with the wall). I’ve had that problem on and off for a few years now and it always happens un-dramatically. It’s not like I saved a goal from going in with a diving tackle on the 93^rd minute, its more “I got up ever so slightly faster then my leg was expecting”. God I sound like an old man, I think that’s my problem, I have the view on life like a 60 year old man. That’s probably why I quite like long relationships and werther's original (or as they say in Phoneshop, nonse nuggets). My idea of bliss is being tucked away in a tropical island with a wife and access to seeing a few of my friends. No hussle and bussle, no troubles or worries. It sounds like a universal dream, but I’ve heard quite a lot of goals would be going out, taking loads of drugs and getting with women. That idea is fine, except that’s only one night, it doesn’t really take up any responsibilities for the day after, when you find out you’ve sold one of your own hands to a gypsy for shelter against the purple storm gathering in your left eye socket. F*cking gypsies.

The Times They are a Changing

It’s taken me 30 blogs but I’ve managed to get a Bob Dylan lyric in there! 5 points to Gryffindor! Actually thinking about it, would I be in that team? I feel like I’d be in Gryffindor but there is just something so awesome about Slytherin. I mean, they can’t all be that evil if they’ve actually made a team for it, right? This is coming from the guy who hasn’t watched the last two films or read any of the books! Let’s see how many readers I lose after declaring that.

Anyway! It’s going to be quite hard for me to stay on subject, what subject you say!? Exactly. Having Facebook (or any other social medium) has opened up loads of doors and has changed the way we perceive social definition. Along with that, it has been interesting to watch people redefine and grow as people over the time I have been friends with them on Facebook. Like when you see a photo of them when they joined Facebook and they looked like Jabba the Hut! Then you look at there current photo and they miraculously look like Jabba the Hut but with a new scarf, it’s still interesting to see. If I could post the before and after photos of people reconfiguring their looks and puberty taking them by the throat, I would. But I’m pretty sure you could see it for yourself! I have quite a few people who I grew up with, who now look completely different too how they looked previously.

Hell, quite a lot of them have replaced there own display pictures to photos of an ultra sound. Although, I do sometimes fear that they just have stolen the photo from someone else and advertised it as their own (what I’m trying to say is, all the ultra sound photos look the same! No offence or anything but I genuinely got worried that a baby had 3 mums and no dad, as they posted similar photos all in unison). Either that is their baby or they have gone for the ultra “retro photo” of themselves. Congratulations to all new mums by the way!

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, which is why ugly people usually wear eyepatches. Just made that up! It’s astonishing to see how people have transformed and fluctuated there sense of style, weight and beliefs. I have recently discovered changes in myself, not just from the height difference (I never said the noticeable changes wouldn’t be subtle *Sad face*). I recently watched something that broke my heart a little bit, I re-watched Jurassic Park Lost World, didn’t enjoy it that much.

Summary

For all the things I hate Facebook for, this is not one of them. I find it intriguing to see people become who they’ve always wanted to be, too live out there dreams as the person they have always wished to live there lives as. The years to which I will live out are more defining then any of the other years previous. The expectations, the dreams, the surprises, all will probably be revealed on Facebook and I will probably roll my eyes and sigh at most of the moany ones, even my own.

One thing I love is the fact that the word processor I was using on my Nan’s computer didn’t like the word blog. Yet on this word processor at my home, it’s totally fine with blog AND Gryffindor!

Podcast

http://themetaphoricalbeard.podomatic.com/entry/2011-08-17T15_09_58-07_00

Twitter

www.twitter.com/seanjosephyoung

Tumblr

www.themetaphoricalbeard.tumblr.com

Blogspot

www.themetaphoricalbeard.blogspot.com

Day Twenty-Nine! My incredibly Powerful Poetry (one's about a fish!)

Introduction

Home sweet home. While racking my brains for what to do on this blog, it reminded me of how AQA used to destroy my brains by forcing me to come up with bulls*it theories on poetry and why they said this and that and how it goes with the time of the piece. Some of the poets deserved such time and effort to decipher there complex satirical/biblical pieces. But one about Robin going on his own instead of hanging about with batman? 3 god damn pages required for it?! And the others, ones where they were so horny even tissues ran away from them, those that could only be written by 38year old virgins and housewives and those that were so dull they required to be read in a monotone.

I used to write poetry, quite a lot actually, which is one of the reasons why I was capable of writing that “rap” on the podcast so fast. So, here are my versions of complex verses required of harsh deciphering, prepare for a nose bleed. Not really, they might be a little silly but I wouldn’t say they are nose bleeders or even spoofs. But I can guarantee you one thing, I’m going to try and write them in 10minutes (each).

Fish Haiku, hi to you to

I really do hate fish

Especially those who think they can breathe

Admittedly, I’m a fish as-well.

Thou King of Confectionary

I arrive at my destination,

Where? No where to mention

As to avoid personal dissertations on the Bellys darkening affection,

“Thou have come to the right place, peon”

A man bellowed with feeling

Which deserved thunderaplus applause, enough to crack the ceiling,

Of the buildings surrounding and compounding.

“thy face is like a gravestone

Filled with fine etchings but below thou art empty!

For the grave robbers have come and gone and sticky there fingers down your throat or was it there thumb?

Either way I am glad you have come!

For I have foraged these goods from a far,

On horseback not by car,

For it is about the journey not the destination!

A ladies smile is important, not the teeth that have devoid creation.

Is it not!?” I smile and agree

Just for this man to continue so I can see what he can see.

“blood stone snap up a thicket,

As fast as a 3 striped suit doth fall over a ball at a party for cricket

Do you understand?

It is not about the destination, it is about the journey young man!

Because we would never eat a fish which hath turned up uninvited

Or bacon being brought without being sighted!

So choose wisely my dear, for I am the king of confectionary!

And I am fully aware of the destination and the journey, which information can be scary!

For I shan’t tell it to you!

Make a choice, do what I do

For thou art the king of confectionary”

I marvelled at this maverick for a second then made a choice that he could see.

Ok I’ll have a chesseburger meal and does ketchup come for free?

He smiles and says, “indeed”.

My cheese rap

Here are the lyrics to my rap about cheese, notice the use of yos for anticipation purposes!

Yo yo yo yo

Yoghurts easily made of cheese

Wipe it on my bigs lips makes me a g,

Can I get a call out from babybel

Cause I know mary and she uses it as gel.

Sperm referenceing on this questral

Makes me famous in the chedder festival!

Buy loads of cheese, give it loads of holes

For sexual reasons and instead of newspaper for the treason for my spy pleasing

They think it smells, yeah well smell sells

Why do you think susan boyle gets all the girls.

She got a cheesy smile, that’s all I’m saying

Like a fine cheese it never goes off

Just like the bodies in the basement, man that’s rough

I’m not waiting any more, enough’s enough

If theres grass on the field then stay away from the muff!

Monster making Morecambe milk malnourished

Bring a few cows and they will flourish to nourish the goodness

The motherfucking cheesy goodness, solero.

Summary

They are a bit silly, but I will give 20 points to anyone who can come up with a huge deciphering essay about them all, honestly I will be your best friend if you do it! SO check out my other blogs if you want, add me on twitter, buy the tshirt! Much love all!

Podcast

http://themetaphoricalbeard.podomatic.com/entry/2011-08-17T15_09_58-07_00

Twitter

www.twitter.com/seanjosephyoung

Tumblr

www.themetaphoricalbeard.tumblr.com

Blogspot

www.themetaphoricalbeard.blogspot.com

Day Twenty-Eight Disgruntled

IntroductionYou want a slightly disgruntled blog? Well let me embrace you with a friendly hug then squeeze your rib cage, as this is one disgruntled bloggy huggy jumble of words. I love humanity, I love our capability for infinite amounts of possibilities and our thought process to which can create modicums of human decency and common sense. It’s those who spurt shit into our atmosphere just to corrupt it, those with nothing else to do other then to be hurtful or ignorant or angry at the world for no good enough reason. These knuckle dragging teddy bear rapers are the bane of my life. So far today, I’ve managed to surround myself in these pet peeves in one way or another. To add to my aggravated way of thought, I’m still in Oxford and am using the slothputer. I’ve even gone ahead and grabbed my jogging watch just so I can look at it while waiting for the writing to come up on this blog.

Wesayanything.comI’m going to be as generalised as possible with this, I understand that it takes away from the imagination but for reputation of name’s sake I shan’t be going against the code of this blog.
I can’t stand those who fire out extreme right wing views and show no mercy about it all. Things like saying all the rioters should be killed is a little harsh, demanding the lockerbie bomber should suffer even more for the things he’s done even though he is in a coma from cancer is harsh (no bit about it). I understand the man has done terrible things but I think being in a comatose state due to cancer is enough punishment. Also to swear and blame certain races for the cheating that had happened in the hurdle competition at the WAAFA world sports competition (I know WAAFA is wrong, that’s an Algerian political party but you know what I mean). If you don’t know, then second place had grabbed hold of the guy in first place and first place falls back a bit for the guy in second place to win. To swear at that even though the story is about him doing it and then being disqualified. Maybe fair enough but to then watch the highlights to the race afterwards so you can swear and generalise, while still knowing the actual result of the race after the judicators had finished deciding what to happen?

Face Value with no Common Sense.com/I’mjustaroundtocauseaproblem
Really is so annoying to say something completely harmless and then to be taken to court about it even when it had nothing to it. Especially those sayings that you are surrounded by every day, to then say it to someone else and even though common sense would take grasp here and announce its completely harmless, they still twist it into something to argue. To cause anguish and pain on a relatively nice day! Not that I’m speaking from personal experience (had a really nice old mans walk as well, nearly got punched in the face by a squirrel, but that’s because I ate it’s babies ((I didn’t, ooo a bracket within a bracket, must be past first date terms then)). These people are so boring and really out to cause a problem, maybe for attention or maybe because anger gives them wood. Fair enough if it was a misunderstanding, but after explaining what was originally meant to still continue and cause friction, GFY.

Summary
Just to let you know, I’m no longer as annoyed as I was previous. This is because I have hammered my family at cards, 3 TIMES! God I love playing cards, if anyone wants to play texas hold’em poker or 21, I’m in!

Day Twenty-Seven Oxford, Nan, Impatient (8-2!)

Introduction
Oxford ahoy! Well I am in the mixed weather but still beautiful Oxford. Unfortunately having to use my Nan’s computer which is so old you have to crank it up on the winch to gain power. It’s so old it’s made out of asbestos and uranium, if you have it on too long it emit’s a green glow. My impatient styling is an unwanted perk in my arsenal, which makes waiting for one page to load, that more antagonising.

How can I miss that!
Talking about Arsenal! 8-2, 8-2! I am incredibly annoyed that I’ve had to miss that match, but MOTD 2 will be on!

Annoyance of Being Impatient
I can’t stand using this computer, if I had better handwriting, I’d write it several times and then mail owls to those who want to read it, with the blog of course, you aren’t having my owls (they were hard enough to pack as it is, in my bag not sexually, you fiend!). I’m currently using a program to write this called Microsoft Works Word Processor. How do I know this is an old program? It doesn’t like the word blog (god, get with the times!). I also have to wait a few minutes for what I’m typing to come up on the screen, I’m half thinking I have to ping it back into position like a type writer! How do I know this is an old computer? The numbers on the keyboard are roman numerals! Only kidding, but it is old. My Nan, god bless her, has the internet explorer pages zoomed in to the point where you have to scroll sideways.

My Nan is Awesome
Everytime I come to Oxford, she always makes my brother and I brownies! I thought that that fact warranted its own section, the truth is scrumptious. Scrumptious is such a funky word, same as popinjay. She is currently watching Charlie’s Angels with an apron saying Hot Stuff (she is wearing other clothes don’t worry!).

Summary
Yeah I can’t take this, if I can’t use my Iphone when those Orange turd wranglers switch my sim card over then I will try and make do with this. But I mean come on! I think this is one of the shortest blog’s I’ve done where I’ve had something to say. The difficulty with doing a blog everyday is, it’s a lot of content. So far I think I’ve done about 40 pages worth of constant writing. It’s about a dissertation of pure bullshit! I’d find it fantastic if someone says stop complaining about your slow computer, how do you think people in the olden days used to cope! Yeah that’s a bit like having a car that you have to pedal with your own legs after owning a Jag. Who doesn’t prefer the better of things? I’m not one to be content with below par and this computer is below par! But I am grateful she has a computer, at least she’s trying to get with the times unlike some grandparents that try and burn their kid at the stake for owning a phone (claiming its voodoo or something, true story, I’ve got the marks).

Podcast

http://themetaphoricalbeard.podomatic.com/entry/2011-08-17T15_09_58-07_00

Twitter

www.twitter.com/seanjosephyoung

Tumblr

www.themetaphoricalbeard.tumblr.com

Blogspot

www.themetaphoricalbeard.blogspot.com