Day Twenty-Nine! My incredibly Powerful Poetry (one's about a fish!)

Introduction

Home sweet home. While racking my brains for what to do on this blog, it reminded me of how AQA used to destroy my brains by forcing me to come up with bulls*it theories on poetry and why they said this and that and how it goes with the time of the piece. Some of the poets deserved such time and effort to decipher there complex satirical/biblical pieces. But one about Robin going on his own instead of hanging about with batman? 3 god damn pages required for it?! And the others, ones where they were so horny even tissues ran away from them, those that could only be written by 38year old virgins and housewives and those that were so dull they required to be read in a monotone.

I used to write poetry, quite a lot actually, which is one of the reasons why I was capable of writing that “rap” on the podcast so fast. So, here are my versions of complex verses required of harsh deciphering, prepare for a nose bleed. Not really, they might be a little silly but I wouldn’t say they are nose bleeders or even spoofs. But I can guarantee you one thing, I’m going to try and write them in 10minutes (each).

Fish Haiku, hi to you to

I really do hate fish

Especially those who think they can breathe

Admittedly, I’m a fish as-well.

Thou King of Confectionary

I arrive at my destination,

Where? No where to mention

As to avoid personal dissertations on the Bellys darkening affection,

“Thou have come to the right place, peon”

A man bellowed with feeling

Which deserved thunderaplus applause, enough to crack the ceiling,

Of the buildings surrounding and compounding.

“thy face is like a gravestone

Filled with fine etchings but below thou art empty!

For the grave robbers have come and gone and sticky there fingers down your throat or was it there thumb?

Either way I am glad you have come!

For I have foraged these goods from a far,

On horseback not by car,

For it is about the journey not the destination!

A ladies smile is important, not the teeth that have devoid creation.

Is it not!?” I smile and agree

Just for this man to continue so I can see what he can see.

“blood stone snap up a thicket,

As fast as a 3 striped suit doth fall over a ball at a party for cricket

Do you understand?

It is not about the destination, it is about the journey young man!

Because we would never eat a fish which hath turned up uninvited

Or bacon being brought without being sighted!

So choose wisely my dear, for I am the king of confectionary!

And I am fully aware of the destination and the journey, which information can be scary!

For I shan’t tell it to you!

Make a choice, do what I do

For thou art the king of confectionary”

I marvelled at this maverick for a second then made a choice that he could see.

Ok I’ll have a chesseburger meal and does ketchup come for free?

He smiles and says, “indeed”.

My cheese rap

Here are the lyrics to my rap about cheese, notice the use of yos for anticipation purposes!

Yo yo yo yo

Yoghurts easily made of cheese

Wipe it on my bigs lips makes me a g,

Can I get a call out from babybel

Cause I know mary and she uses it as gel.

Sperm referenceing on this questral

Makes me famous in the chedder festival!

Buy loads of cheese, give it loads of holes

For sexual reasons and instead of newspaper for the treason for my spy pleasing

They think it smells, yeah well smell sells

Why do you think susan boyle gets all the girls.

She got a cheesy smile, that’s all I’m saying

Like a fine cheese it never goes off

Just like the bodies in the basement, man that’s rough

I’m not waiting any more, enough’s enough

If theres grass on the field then stay away from the muff!

Monster making Morecambe milk malnourished

Bring a few cows and they will flourish to nourish the goodness

The motherfucking cheesy goodness, solero.

Summary

They are a bit silly, but I will give 20 points to anyone who can come up with a huge deciphering essay about them all, honestly I will be your best friend if you do it! SO check out my other blogs if you want, add me on twitter, buy the tshirt! Much love all!

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Day Thirteen- Improvisational Sins (Top Three)

Introduction

I don’t tend to get aggravated much, especially when it comes to the ideas and the flourishing of people with the capacity to do so, which is a huge reason for my love of all things improvised. If a man/woman is witty enough to create pitch perfect improv it really does make me feel all warm and tingley inside. But if certain people are ruining that for those with such a deep love for it, it aggravates me (like the star wars fans felt for the prequels).

Improvisation, My Love

I have got plenty of stories of success and tragedy on stage during my improvisation career. I was part of a class (to which I miss those lessons so much now and wish I never left them) that would do comedy improvisation for an hour and a half every Friday. It gave me a chance to flourish and fine tune my improvisation while being surrounded by those who feel the same way, or those who enjoyed taking a back seat and watch me make a toilet dick of myself. It really did give me a feeling of satisfaction when I was on stage and made people laugh through my sudden spurts of improvised remedies to the high expectations of an audience who are used to it to all (call them the upper echelons of improvised thought).

I am in love with the shows containing improvisation and games similar to which I have played (shows like Whose Line is it Anyway and Mock the Week who were produced by Dan Patterson). Which makes it all the more difficult to deal with when I witness pitch perfect copycats of jokes from those shows. As much as originality is so difficult, if it stinks of someone else’s stink, then I will be questioning my wife to where she’s been for the last 20minutes (dying on stage possibly?).

Improvisational Sins, Top 3

Three

A sin to which I have been guilty for is that improvisation is a team effort in games that require conversation. Don’t instantly try to upstage or take over the stage if you’re with someone who can’t keep up with you. Help them and if it doesn’t work then try and work with them subliminally by getting them to say things to which you can react in a preposterous manner, anything to get the juices flowing. I’ve worked with people who weren’t as imaginative or on the same wave length but they ended up being the stars because they were the real straight man of the situation. If you make it into an upstaging competition then it could either make the audience uncomfortable or it’ll produce some genius stuff. Brad Sherwood does it a lot in Whose Line is It Anyway US and quite a lot of the time it works out because the people he works with can keep up or even do better. When he’s with someone who can’t, it just makes it look a bit rough half the time (instead of none of the time). I’ve skipped the steps with people who weren’t with it at the time and I got told off for it (to which I was outraged at the time but now understand why, oh realisation you heavy handed Panda).  

Two

Similar to stand up, joke stealing is a huge sin. I did a show couple of years ago, during that show we played a game called worlds worst (an example would be worlds worst speech at a funeral etc), a friend of mine then said 3 jokes during it that were word for word from Mock the Week. Now, not only did he look like an arse hole in front of those who have watched the show, but he then made us all look like arse holes cause it buried the perception into their mind that all of it was somewhat planned or stolen. Even when I went out into the foyer after the show I heard murmurs that quite a lot of the jokes were stolen, which they weren’t it was just from that one guy. I pride myself on my mind working a million miles a second and because I participate so much then I will take it to heart to be told all my stuff came from someone else. I did get him back after though when we played a game called props and he did a joke and then I got up, grabbed a broom and said I was sweeping away his failed jokes then, adding the nail to the coffin, by saying “oh wait nothing is there anyway”. He’s a great guy and now he’s older, he has potential to be a great stand up, but if you do a sin on stage I will make you pay, whether it be another time, or even on stage (don’t fear the reaper, just avoid meeting him by having your comedy 5 a day).

One

This sin is what aggravates me the most. Planning a game to the extent that renders the people involved as somewhat “creative prisoners”. The embodiment of improvisation is for it to be unpredictable, for only quick ideas to exist and planning to only be done by the host for order purposes and not for creative imposing. I react more outraged when I know certain games have been planned then someone making a sex joke about my cat (to which doesn’t exist, which could be why I don’t react). It’s a huge slap in the face to the audience and a big hammer blow to the performers (to which it makes me feel so angry for). I’ve heard about shows that have boasted its improvised and people have come out incredibly happy and wanting to see it again, so they go the second night and it’s exactly the same. Either call it improvised because all of it is improvised or don’t call it improvised. You’re taking the audience for granted, your offending the participants and your spitting on the forefathers of improvisation.

Summary

My love of improvisation is as deep as it comes. I’ve been looking for somewhere else to “hang my hat” so if anyone knows a good place then I’d love to check it out, as long as the improvisation isn’t belittled by the sins above. Nothing disgusts me more then to see the things I love taken advantage of. If you fear that the improvisation will suck even though there are at least two dependable people in it, then let it happen and see where it will go, the audience is in it as much as the participants.

I apologise if you were expecting a funny blog as the title will have the words improvisation in it. I’ve just had a bit of a problem that has frustrated me and I needed to get it out there (venting on a blog? EEEEEMMOOOOOOOOOOOOO)

I will of course go into my improvisation experiences a little more on another blog, something involving 2 fantastic people to work with and the vow to impregnate everyone in the audience even though they didn’t come to see us (it was a multiple company showcase, not a singular one). Love you all!

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Day Eleven- Lie Debunking (if the truth hurts, then i'm a masochist)

Introduction

11 days in now! It is going well, readers have quadrupled since day 5 which is awesome, people are starting to want to get involved and I apparently have fans? Haven’t really decided to what I’m going to talk about so hopefully it will come to me in the next sentence or two. I honestly wouldn’t mind throwing in some more stuff about people who over exaggerate because it really gets to me, but I think I’m going to go with something on par with that (similar in fact). This topic will be covering, lie spreading gossipy bastards.

Oh, Did You Know He Likes Me?

Heard a lovely bit of bullshit last week, it was so good that I had to mock it. Last year a friend of mine had a girlfriend, I attempted to get to know her by speaking to her, which I think that’s how it works, right? She wasn’t for sale and there was no attributes like it’s a RPG game (she’d have 15 on spirit and 3000 on dick). So I thought (like the obvious maverick I am) talking to her would be a way of getting to know her as she was now my best friends girlfriend.

It gets to January and because I was in BTEC Nat Dip in performing arts, we had a show. This show would be a showcase created by the teacher; in the name of my class (another blog will cover that soon, something involving a barrage of insults by a teacher followed by a well written formal complaint). In this showcase I was doing a recurring role as Derek the famous French presenter. It was obvious throughout the show that Derek was a little strange. An example of this was when my character was introduced to co-host with the puppet presenters (it was a strange showcase). In this scene I could only speak French, then I would start to unbutton my shirt and rub my nipple (luckily for the audience, the music guy didn’t turn on the music which was the cue for me to stop, so I was stuck standing there for an extra minute or two rubbing my nipple and pointing at the prettiest girl I could find). I will go on more about that absolutely nuts showcase but I’ll save it for another blog. Long story short, the climax (hehe hehe he said climax) for Derek was for me to do an over elaborate and silly strip to my own remix of “I’m too sexy” “Leave your hat on” and the Austin Powers theme music. It went down really well (luckily) and I wasn’t attacked by a friend’s dad who she said was severely homophobic (he had a smile on his face during, closet case? Kidding).

Anyway, here’s the lie. This girl then tells her friends that I like her (in the nudge nudge wink wink way for the older readers). The explanation for her blatant lie was that I keep speaking to her? According to her, I said I liked her more then I liked my own girlfriend and that I never leave her alone (as if to say, god this one time stripper keeps bothering me). The friend who told me was like, “I thought you knew?” No! Course I didn’t! Did I ever say I like her more compared to my girlfriend? No, no I did not. Did I show any sign that I like her in any way other then my best friend’s girlfriend? No, no I did not! That I’d never leave her alone?! Sorry I didn’t mean for my “I like having conversations with people” attitude to be a huge let on that I fancy you (better warn my brother that I obviously fancy him and I want to break his back mountain before I strike up another conversation, Which in turn could end up as a conversation so I better send my owl instead. Thanks for ruining my home life!). Also as I remember, I spoke to her about once a week on facebook and I spoke to her when I saw her because I’m not an arse hole (am I going to go with the obvious line and say “like her?”. Yes, yes I am) like her.

Just for future reference here guys, if you have a sneaking suspicion that I like you in that way, I’d prefer you to just ask me, not say I do then make up even more bull to back up your sudden lie.

But if you think that story was pretty funky, then here’s a short but sweet one (like a midget made of lollypops).

Yes Cause That’s What I Do

I was seeing a girl during my Harlem Globetrotter days (no clue why I wrote that). While I was seeing her, we went to a house party. I drank about the same amount of alcohol that I’d probably drink over the night in the space of 40minutes. So I went into my mates dads bed and lied down (the dad wasn’t there, unfortunately), she came in and we attempted to “mac”. Either way, I could hardly move because I was kind of comatose by the amount of alcohol I drank. Luckily for me and my somewhat dark and disturbing habit of liking to breathe, she got off me. Why did she get off me? Fights outside, god I love house parties. Then for the next hour or so I spent lying in the bed while people spoke to me, was quite a nice experience in the end.

Few weeks pass, me and her end our little thingy and go on our merry way (there is a long story to this but I can’t be asked to talk about it right now). I then find out eventually she has been telling people, including two of my best mates, that the reason why we broke up is because I was incredibly forceful on the night I just described to you. “Forceful?” I hear you say! Yes, forceful, because I apparently tried to make her give me head (I apologise for anyone who finds that inappropriate, I did as well when I found out, so we’re on the same page). Now if any of you readers know me, then you’d know there is nothing forceful about me. I either casually mod dance a suggestion in or I just leave it all together. Neither am I a “rapey” drunk as I have been drunk before and have never attempted anything like that. Maybe it was the oxygen deprivation she caused but that would only add to me being even weaker then my original state so. It was a big fat lie, a big fat arse faced lie. Then when I reached second year of BTEC, she then decided to tell everyone in the first year as well. Which I didn’t really care about because the important people (my best mates) knew it was a lie, but I did get bored of having to say how much bullshit it was when I was asked about it (which would follow after them saying, “oh your that Sean?!”). So no, I didn’t try to force her to give me head because I’m not that like that, I try and strive to be a gentleman at all times and have never ever forced anyone to do anything of the sort (not even Santa after he gave me a Pokémon card holder two years ago, the not up to date prick). Along with that, she had braces on at the time ( so go and grate a sausage using the cheese grater so you can understand my shiver causing imagery for yourselves, sponsored by Art Attack: Falice Addition).

The Victims of my Blog

If the liars are actually reading this blog, thank you for reading it! If you two people are outraged by what I’ve said about you then let this be a lesson, stop trailing your bullshit like you’re a turd slug and start telling the truth. I’ve only said your lie and my blatant feelings for them. Was that bitchy? I feel as if it sounds bitchy, I was hoping it would sound generalised but blunt. This has been a long one (it’s to easy to do, sorry all), hope you all enjoyed it and it debunked a few lies about me.

Summary

Honestly, I could copy and paste exactly what I said about over exaggeration to this cause the same still applies. You want to seem a whole lot more interesting then you are right? Some people just aren’t interesting until they do something interesting, or they ignite a passion within them that those who are interested in the same as you will see that flame and be drawn to it like a moth. You don’t like a person so you spread a lie about them? Then you are a terrible person, even more terrible then the person you hate. Yeah there are some terrible people in this world, but it doesn’t mean sinking to there level so you can show how bad they are. Throw facts out there and make people realise for themselves. I admit, I white lie when necessary, but they are tiny and to avoid hurt feelings. If you tell a lie to hurt or maim someone then what comes around goes around and you will get your come uppings, whether you like it or not, can I get an amen!?

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